Not Getting Better

Posted on November 15, 2014 by admin

Thursday November 13, 2014

Adam comes to my room to let me know my mother is pretty alert, so I get up and go to her. After we have been talking for a while, she says, “I need something that’s going to give me hope. I manufacture it at night. There’s not any left, and I’m not getting better. Can somebody tell me something that will give me hope?” I just listen. It’s really hard not to offer her comfort when she cries, and when she’s so clearly in despair.

She wants to call her cousin Renate, who has been like a close sister to my mother. “I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try,” she said, tearfully. So I call Mom’s sister, Christa, to get a number for Renate’s hospice.

“Tell her things are going fine here,” Mom says, “so she’s not so freaked out.” I think, I can’t tell her that. “Tell her I have a cough so I can’t talk,” Mom says. But Christa doesn’t answer so I leave a message. She calls back moments later, and after I ask her if she has Renate’s phone number, she explains that it’s not possible to call Renate, who is not doing very well at all. Mom can hear Christa’s voice coming out of the phone and begins to cry.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” Mom says. “We were going to end up in Iziba” – she means Ibiza, a Spanish resort island – “on the Strand, to make up for the crappy life we had before.”

At this she weeps again. I look at her, thinking this has been my worst fear, that she might die without having felt she lived a good life. A few months ago, when I first expressed that fear to her, she assured me that since her recovery from ovarian cancer in 2001, she has been “content, very content.” Now I’m not sure I can be comforted by that anymore.

“I can’t believe she’s going to leave without saying goodbye,” Mom says.

* * *

“I don’t like that phone,” she says, “I need to take it back.” She’s said this about her brand-new Samsung Galaxy S a few times in recent days, another clear sign that she thinks she’ll live long enough for it to matter.

I want to spare her the psychological pain of accepting that she is dying. The rallying cry of the codependent. But I’ve always struggled with those boundaries – how much must I suffer in order that my mother not suffer? Here, there is nothing I can do. This journey toward acceptance and peace is her last camino, and the prizes the greatest she’ll have ever won.

* * *

I wondered yesterday if I wouldn’t be hearing from my sister about a return visit.

* * *

The hospice chaplain comes at one o’clock. He’d called earlier to see if it was okay, and I’d said yes without asking Mom. I hoped he’d engage her in a conversation about the end, and he did gamely try to do so. At his invitation, she begins to recount things that give her joy – the clouds in the sky with their shapes – and then she cries. It’s about Renate, who might die today, she says.

The chaplain later tells me that he tried to engage her in an end-of-life discussion, “but she wasn’t going there.”

* * *

The rest of the afternoon and evening passed without much incident. Silke visited and rubbed Mom’s feet. Mom was asleep most of the time, but she did break down and cry to Silke about something I wasn’t privy to. She cried more than once today. Sometimes she’d say she was sad about Renate, and sometimes she wouldn’t say or I wouldn’t ask, and I’d wonder if she was crying because she knew or feared she was going to die.

I can see the immense comfort of a belief in life after death. All this fear, transformed, in small or large part, into hope for a beautiful adventure of some kind. I don’t know what Mom’s views on the matter are, exactly, though I have my speculations. I haven’t asked her about her views of life after death because I may as well ask if she knows we think she’s dying. It’s premature, and would only distress her.

* * *

She looks at the furniture in front of her – the dining room table, the shelving, the TV cabinet – as if seeing it for the first time. “How did all of this get in here?” she asks.

“You brought all this in here, Mom. It’s all in your house.”

“Is it in the same location?” she murmurs, though it takes me a while to understand her.

“Yes,” Adam says. “It’s the same location.”

Friday November 14, 2014

Adam got up at around 2a.m., and I went to bed about a half an hour later. In the middle, I helped Mom into the bathroom and back and Adam helped me tuck her in.

In the morning I go to her as soon as I come out of my room. “I almost went crap outside the bowl,” she says. I move her portable commode out of the bathroom and closer to her hospital bed.

* * *

I hear Mom talking to the hospice assistant. She is saying something about not being at home. The hospice assistant tells my mother that she is, in fact, at home. The next time I check on Mom, the assistant is making up her bed and Mom is sitting on her portable commode with her legs covered. She moans a few times and the hospice assistant tells me Mom is complaining of bladder pain.

“I’m so sad,” she says.

“What are you sad about, Mom?”

“Renate,” she says. “This.” Here she gestures toward her condition. “I just wish I knew,” she says. In her much-reduced voice there is overwhelming sadness.

“You wish you knew about Renate?”

She nods. “I just want to be able to say goodbye. Say thank you.”

“She knows you’re thankful, Mom.”

“I know,” she says. Irritably. “It’s not about her.”

* * *

“When is Candy coming?” she asks.

“I’m not sure,” I say. Candy had texted me yesterday to check in, but hadn’t answered my question about whether she wanted to come back.

About ten minutes later, she says, “Did Candy call?”

“She texted me a little while ago,” I say. “She’s still seeing if she can get permission to leave.” I do not know this to be true.

Mom tears up. “I don’t want her to have problems. She doesn’t have to prove her love. I remember what it was like being a single mom.”

* * *

“There’s gotta be something I’m worth it to eat,” Mom says, or something like that.

Worth? “You’re worth plenty, Mom.”

“I just haven’t eaten in five days,” she says.

* * *

Other times, what she says doesn’t make much sense. And five minutes ago, she gestured toward “the golden thing on the table”. For some reason she had me fetch the small sculpture so that she could examine it.

* * *

“How long have we been here, in this house together?”

“You’ve been here eleven years.”

“I mean this time.”

“About two and a half weeks.”

Her eyebrows go up. She whispers. “That long?”

“Yes.”

She gazes off to her right for a while. “Was I in a coma?” she asks.

* * *

She reaches for my hand. I’m sitting on the couch, but I get down on the floor next to her bed and take her hand. “Hands across time,” she intones. “Your hands were so fat and cute.”

“You’re my favorite,” I tell her.

She smiles. I turn her hand over and lift it up to my lips. I tell her I need to get on one of the business calls I’m somehow able to keep doing. I remind her where to find the bolus of the medication pump. She grips it in her hand and raises it to her mouth, as if it’s her glass pipe.

* * *

I am leaning down to press my face against hers. I breathe in her soft grey and white hair. In her small, girlish, trusting voice, she says, “Am I getting any better?”

“Are you what?” I say, not sure I’ve heard her, or maybe I’m just terrified of where it’s going.

“Am I getting better?”

Breathe.

“No, Mom,” I say. “I don’t think it’s getting better.”

Her eyes fill with tears and her face is a mirror of pain. She puts her hands over her face and begins to shake with weeping. She begins to keen. I am beside myself.

“I wish someone could tell me something,” she says.

“Do you want to see a doctor?”

“No, because then I would know for sure,” she says. “We don’t know what it is.”

“We know the cancer is spreading, Mom. We know there are certain signs, like the fact that you can’t eat, or your confusion.”

She cries again, ripping the flesh of my heart. Is this not just the worst conversation I have ever had?

After a while she says, “I think I knew a while ago. You just have a feeling about your own body.”

“You mean when you felt something was different, in the last few weeks, and months?”

She nods.

“You did everything right,” I say. “You have been a true warrior in every sense. And you touched and inspired so many people.”

“They used to say that when I was five,” she says.

“Say what, Mom?”

“Say I inspired them. I never understood it.”

“We’ll always be connected, Mom.”

“I know,” she says.

* * *

“I don’t know how I’m going to live without you,” she says, and she begins to shake again.
A little later, she asks her friend Inge, who is older than Mom, “When you die too are you going to come find me?”

* * *

“Am I getting better?” I don’t see myself forgetting that. In that small, pitiful voice. And how vulnerably she simply accepted my answer, like a child.

For a man whose mommy issues revolve around his desire for her to be happy, there is no test like breaking the news that there is no hope, that she is dying.

* * *

Adam and I come back from almost two hours at the local Starbucks, where I distracted myself from the heart-ripping conversation I just had with my mother. Inge and Monika have been watching over Mom in our absence, and they hug us and leave soon after. I sit down on the couch next to Mom’s hospital bed.

“Gregory knows,” she says, referring to the boy she nannied for years, and who loves her like a grandmother.

“Knows what, Mom?”

“That I’m dying,” she says.

Ah.

That’s the first time she’s said those words.

* * *

I don’t think I’ve had any experience more alien than looking at my mother, watching her sleep, hearing her breathe – and trying to grapple with the reality that in a very short while, she will no longer be lying there, no longer be in this house. Knowing that there’s nothing I can do about it – a few more days like this, maybe a week, and she won’t even be sleeping quietly in a hospital bed. She will cease to exist! How to wrap one’s head around that? I’m anxious about being in this house with nothing but memories, ghosts, of her. This is her house. She fixed it up and filled it up with memories and I can’t imagine her not alive in it. I worry about how alone I will feel. I’ve had one parent all my life; what will I do with her gone? When cooking or food comes up, I’ll think of her, want to share, and remember with a start that I can’t call her up any time I want. She once told me she experienced this when she thought of calling up Oma. When I travel, I’ll think of how much she would have liked to come. When I see nature, I’ll remember her appreciation and wonder, and her gratitude.

There will be a mom-sized hole in the world, and I can’t even begin to imagine all the ways my life will be different because of it.

* * *

Berle writes me a lengthy text full of the usual love and generosity. In part of it, she explains that my mother recently translated the German book Perlen des Lebens for her and Peggie. The way your Mom translated that book is a cherished memory Peggie and I will never forget. It was as though she could feel God’s presence while reading it to us which brought about some wonderful, emotional conversations. Your mom has been blessed in many ways, but mostly by having you.

At the end she writes, She is always in my thoughts and prayers and I know there’s a fabulous kitchen awaiting her in heaven.

* * *

It’s around 8 o’clock and Mom is dozing in and out, mostly out. The medication pump keeps beeping, annoying both of us. While I put in a new battery I hear her talking in her sleep. I can’t make out what she’s saying. A minute later she spots my vaporizer with one eye opened about twenty percent and the other ten, and she asks for something.

“You want what?”

“Weed!” she bellows.

I clean out the charred material in the bowl of the glass pipe and add some fresh indica. I hold the lighter over the bowl and she inhales. And once more. And without further ado she says, “Good night, my beloved son” and closes her eyes.

Saturday November 15, 2014

Last night. She asks me to join her on the hospital bed. I hold her hand until both of us fall asleep. I wake up at about 1:30a.m. Mom has forgotten how to use her pain pump, so I sleep on the couch and wake up to administer doses whenever I hear her groan. At about 6a.m., Adam wakes and I go to my bed in the bedroom to sleep until 9.

Adam says she cried a lot in the night. “She was sobbing. She said, ‘There are so many books I haven’t read.'”

* * *

Morning. She looks around her without comprehension. “I keep being puzzled by all my stuff.”

“What puzzles you?”

“That it’s here. Because I don’t know how it all got here. I don’t know how I got here.”

“From where?”

She shrugged. “From hospice, wherever.”

“Well your stuff is here because you’re in your home. Your little house. You’re where you want to be. And hospice has been coming here.”

“How long have I been here?”

“You’ve been here the whole time.”

“I’m hungry,” she says. Eventually she chooses toast with butter and jam. As I’m getting up to go to the kitchen, she says, “If we’re this close to Erlangen, why can’t I have sauerbraten?” Erlangen is her hometown in Germany.

I just lean down and kiss her forehead. I’ll never have her sauerbraten again either.

* * *

She wants a pastry. She has told friends she wants pastry for over a week, and they keep bringing pastries that no one eats. But she says she wants something with “some nice cheese on it,” so I pull on a coat and walk to a nearby bakery. I walk past the stores we used to shop in, past the consignment store that put our proceeds toward hospice care, past the salon from which a stylist came to my mother’s home a few weeks ago to do her hair, and wouldn’t take payment. This town, which my mother came to for a relationship, and which she stayed in partly because she didn’t see much evidence of my settling down anywhere else, is filled with my mother.

I don’t want to be here after it happens. I don’t want to be among all these memories. I want to be far away.

* * *

She cries about leaving us.

“We’ll always be connected, Mom. Always be together.” Remembering that yesterday she asked her friend Inge if she would come and find her, I say, “We’ll be together in no time. I’ll come and find you.”

She comes out of the frozenness of her sadness and says, “You better bring some good Camino shoes.”

Berle and I laugh with her.

“Look at that smile,” I say, and I kiss her cheek and her forehead.

“You take such good care of me.”

“That’s because you’ve always taken such good care of me, Mom.”

* * *

She tells Berle that her body has betrayed her. Berle’s face is all empathy. She makes sympathetic noises. I don’t really know what to say, so I say, “Your spirit is still untouched, Mom. That body is just a vessel.” Berle agrees.

“I wish my spirit could take my body for a walk,” Mom says.

* * *

She complains to Berle that she woke up at 5:30am and didn’t know where she was. Someone should have explained where she was so it wasn’t such a surprise, she says. She is crying.

I’ve never been able to withstand the sight of my mother crying, but when she’s crying because she knows she’s dying, because she fears losing us, I am utterly stricken.

This unspeakable sadness.

* * *

Berle and Silke are here. They rub Mom’s feet and reassure her. She cries, as she has been crying since I told her she was not getting better. I can’t even imagine what she feels, knowing the end is near. How can she not be crying in every waking moment?

I look at her in her hospital bed, usually sleeping, and my brain seizes up while trying to imagine her not being there in a week, the bed empty, the house quiet. There she is, breathing. Huggable. But next week?

Time is running out. What to do? How to make the most of her time? Should I be reading to her? Making her laugh? Reminiscing? I’m afraid I provide no entertainment, no comfort other than the constant attention I give her. I can’t keep my hands off her head, her shoulder, her face. I kiss her every other time I pass by. I fly to her when she cries. Of course she did all this for me, once upon a time.

* * *

Via text Mieshelle tells me that our beloved Great Dane, Jazzy, is being euthanized this evening. She lived longer than average, maybe ten or eleven years. But like Uncle Horst’s death and Renate’s dying, I am not nearly as affected by Jazzy’s death as I would be if I had been there. Or maybe I just have nothing left in the grief tank.

* * *

The morning rivers of sadness fade to a trickle in the evenings. Tonight Mom sleeps. Adam sleeps. Oma and Opa’s ancient clock sits atop the heirloom buffet and audibly counts down the seconds. They are slipping away, 3600 every hour, for several hundred more hours. They will be up before I know it. The heaters blow white noise. It’s not even eight.

The last party

Great Kindness at the POW WOW

Posted on September 23, 2013 by admin

For the past 15 years I have visited the annual POW WOW, which was only 30 min away. I may have missed one or two when I went on the Camino and once when I went to Germany when my brother died.

Always loved the colorful Ragalia. (I was told by one Native American whom I’d asked a few questions that these were NOT called ‘costumes.’ It takes a very long time and skill to sew them and especially all that wonderful bead work.

This year I had also fully intended to go but I had also had painful ‘issues’, again after chemo. But, I thought this may distract me. So, I took my umbrella as it looked very much like rain and walked the 5-6 blocks to our Fairgrounds where the Pow Wow was held the last couple of years.

I was a little early and so walked around the huge hall and looked at all the beautiful jewelry, paintings, blankets, good smelling grasses and sage bundles. I picked out 2 necklaces for my granddaughter and her beloved. I went to the kitchen section and was greeted by one Native American woman, whom I’ve known for years. She came out the side door, beaming and enfolded me in a big hug. “How are you?” she asked. I pointed to my blond wig and said, ‘I’m surprised you recognized me with this on.’ She answered, ‘I would recognize your beautiful smile anywhere. ‘ She gave me a cup of mint tea, from leaves she had grown herself. After a few minutes conversation I moved on.

I had not gone the whole perimeter as I had leg pain and sat on the bottom step. As I looked around I saw some more booths against the back wall and since I still had time before the Grand Entrance, I got up and went there to see their wares. A friendly Native American came toward me with a beautiful necklace but I held my hand up, smiled and said that I was sorry but simply could not afford one since I had lots of medical bills.

He asked me, what was wrong? I told him that I have cancer, now the second time. He nodded and told me, somberly that his wife too, had breast cancer and died 5 year ago. He said it was the worst but also awesome experience he’d ever had. (Awesome???) He said with their ritual and her grace, how she dealt with it. He turned and picked up something and then handed it to me. I was a long, gray feather with two smaller feathers, one yellow and one green bundled and fastened with a leather strap. He said that this was his gift to me. It was a “smudging Feather” and meant to heal. I immediately became emotional, and tears ran down my face. He took a step toward me with wide open arms and said, ‘ Come here, sister.’ Made cry more and I was so embarrassed. Here came a younger woman, also hugging me from the side, and a third one and she said, ‘this is a healing circle.’ I had told them that I had wanted to go to Santa Fe (weekend before) to try to find a Shaman. That I had wanted to visit Santa Fe for a long time and that it almost felt like a ‘pull’.

After a few minutes I had myself in better control again and he handed me a napkin. I smiled and thanked him. We exchanged a few more words and as I turned to leave, the younger woman approached me, with a Native American man in tow and told me that he was a Shaman and that he would take care of me. I said, that I had no money. ( Because I’d read in my Santa Fe research, that they could demand $300-450.00 for a session.) He shook his head and took my hand and sat me into a chair, at a little more private area.

He told me that he could see my aura, the rainbow colors and black spots which were blocking me. He took my newly acquired ‘Smudging Feather’ and waved it up and down my body, chanting in his native tongue. He stopped one time, looked at me and said, ‘your chakra is way out of line on your right side and it has been that way for quite awhile. I will try to align it.’ On went the chanting as he moved the feather from head to knees. He said, ‘oh, there is a big blockage in your leg. ‘ I said, yes, this where I have blood clots. ‘ (How could he know?) He told me he would now ‘give me over to the ‘Great Spirit’, to heal me.’ That’s when I started crying again. He too, had tears in his eyes as he looked at me and said, ‘if the Great Spirit would not be filled with love for you he would have not put you in his (Shaman’s) path.’ He told me, what a beautiful spirit I had. He asked me, if I felt the heat of his hands (which never touched me) and indeed I had. He apologized as he had had many sessions the day before and was thus weakened. I told him, that I was grateful for anything he could give me.

After about 30 min he got off his knees and asked me, if he could hug me. I totally said yes. I took the only $20.00 bill I had and handed it to him, saying that this was all I had but wanted him to have it. He thanked me big time and said, that most people didn’t even say Thank-You and that I was only the second person within those past days that had given him a GIFT. He also gave me his phone number, in case I wanted to have another session. Imagine my delight to see that he only lived 30 minutes away, and I was prepared to travel 700 miles.

I sat on the bleachers and enjoyed the rest of the program and felt very much at peace, marveling at the set of many ‘coincidences’ which had brought me there that Sunday.

A most amazing gift…

Posted on January 12, 2013 by admin

Several weeks have past since I had anything to post. Various reasons. My health condition was the same and to whine about it seemed pointless. Epecially in the face of ‘Sandy’ and Newtown shooting. Compared to these horriffic disasters, I’d feel guilty posting something so trivial.

Christmas was a quiet affair. My daughter and grand children could not come and therefor I did not even decorate. Aside from one, tiny, fake tree in my living room, on the small corner table top. Cameron came from Telluride and we were invited to friend’s house on Christmas eve. I’d offered to cook. (Menu: Smoked Salmon roses with capers and lemon. Beet salad. Then, Champignon pork loin with bavarian bread dumplings and red cabbage in red wine. Chocolate Mousse with raspberry coulis for dessert. Hmmm. Good.) Nice conversation and cozy.

Just on cue, when we left it was snowing. Large, soft flakes. Lovely. Cameron was invited at a friend’s house in Telluride for Christmas dinner and so he left early that day. I went out to shovel snow. I went to my little buddy’s home for christmas dinner. His grandparents had come from Utah. Beautiful table setting and very nice dinner and talk.

I have often talked about my ‘little buddy’ but seldom about his older sister, Annika. The reason being, that in the past few years I’ve hardly seen her. School, extra curricular activities, friends and out of town sports made it nearly impossible to catch her. She’s very bright, excells in school subjects and sports… and gorgeous. I sure missed her but this is how it goes when they start to grow up.

After dinner, they both gave me a lovely, silver- heart necklace and I was touched.

As I got ready to leave, Annika came downstairs with a red folder, which she handed to me. I opened it a littleand just saw my name in fat, black lettering. I wasn’t quite sure what it said but I wanted to read it at home. So I did. And, became a total puddle. Even at the chance that this will make it a bit long, I want to share this extraordinary gift. I’d received a few, touching poignant cards, letters over the years form my family and grand children but this is the very best from a ‘non-relative’. (Except related by heart, as they say. And there it is:

“INGE”

Throughout my life I have been positively impacted by many people, non so much as my beloved Inge. She has been with me for nearly all my life, and without her, I wouldn’t be who I am today. She has inspired me persevere through the hardest of things, and to try my hardest to achieve my highest standards. She taught me the courage to stand up for my beliefs and opened my eyes to new experiences. Inge is caring, she is selfless and she is determined.

Some have to try to be caring, but for Inge it comes naturally. It is a cring so honest and sweet, as well as comforting and protecting. It is something only Inge is able to create. For my little brother and I she has been our base. She is someone that can always be relied on. When I went out to try something new, I could always count on her loving arms to be there for me if I stumbled along. I remember being sick; her caring hands spooning me tea and broth as she nursed me back to health. Even with her kids grown and gone she always had that motherly touch that I still hold so dearly. Inge was a huge part in my growing up. In a world where people fall unknown and lost she made me feel important. She made me feel as if I were part of something bigger than just Montrose.

Never in my entire life have I met a more determined person than Inge. She has endeavored the most horriffic misfortunes and every time she is able to pull through and remain the strong, beautiful woman I hold so dearly. She has overcome cancer and other health complications without giving up or losing sight of her goals. When Inge sets her mind to something, it is accomplished. No matter the difficulty of the task or the obstacles that are thrown at her along the way. Inge never fails to impress me. She is an inspiration to me, to my family, and all the citizens of Montrose who know her. Her endurance and determination are truly unique. No matter what it is, Inge will overcome.

To put everyone before yourself, to give what you have to others, and to be able to care about the needs of others even when your needs are far greater is something that very few people posses. This influence is selflessness and it is something that Inge displays every day. She cares about everyone, and no matter her condition she is always willing to lend a helping hand. Inge is a supportive, kind caring and non-selfish friend. She gives everything she has to make others happy. Amazing people like her are very hard to come by and I am so fortunaten to have her in my life.

I have grown up with Inge. She’s seen me learn to read, learn to play sports, learn to sing, and she has seen me growing up. She has always been by my side through all the ups and downs and I am eternally grateful for this. An anonymous person once stated, “To the world you might just be one person, but to one person you might just be the world.” Inge has been a huge part of my world ever since I can first remember. All my life I have wished to myself to grow up and be like Inge. I wished to grow up to be a strong, caring, determined, courageous, selfless woman just like Inge. She is my role model and a huge positive influence for me. I will always strive to be more like Inge”.

Can you imagine how I felt reading this? My heart beat like a drum. There is not enough gold, nor diamonds to compare in value. This is the BEST medicine I could ever have received. And, it humbles me, to be so large in a ‘child’s life. She used this as a school project. I know she got an A. But aside of being the focus of her story, it is wonderfully well written. I have been fortunate as well to be allowed in her (and brother’s) life, for 11 years now. She was 2 and a half when we met. Annika. You are my heart ‘child.’

Time’s up…

Posted on April 24, 2012 by admin

Although it seems long, these past couple of weeks went rather quickly. There was the usual laundry to do after my son left and things to straighten up. Having my schedule and life back felt pretty good, although the house was quiet and empty. No one calling a cheery ‘hello’ and I had no one to tell little newsy things to.

I couldn’t go walking because there was, still, this pain in my left pelvis. Whatever medication I tried, did not work and so I wandered the living room, the kitchen, the bath, bedroom and back because it’s all I knew to do.

Instead of having a nice, few weeks off before tests and CT scan, etc. I’ve been dealing with this ‘thing’. I’ve decide it is (probably) some remnants left from kidney stones trying to get out. It wouldn’t help to go to Urologist as I need to deal with cancer issue first. Not more tests and more x-rays into body. I finally figured out that if I took one Ibuprofen (600 mg) and one half morphine (5 mg) that I could function. I don’t like to take either one. Someone from my cancer support group told me to research medical marijuana.

There are many different ways one could choose to take it. I was surprised to find out how much it was used in the medical field. For depression, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). For chemo side effects, the nausea, the inability to eat, neuropathy, the horrible pain and all other co-hosts of this toxin. The side effects of the meds I am taking is not such good news.

It’s suggested to take marijuana at bed time so it can help repair while the body is trying to do this anyway. I may just really find out as much as I can and then decide. I am tired of pain. And, I can’t go walking as it starts its hellish descent and I have to stop, clutching my side and moaning. A couple of times, when I tried walking, I thought I couldn’t make it back home.

Meanwhile, I’ve also had my first Acupuncture. It was a pleasant experience. I realize that just one treatment won’t help much so I have 2 more before my CT scan. I am also taking 20,000 units of Vitamin D3 (at bed time) as recommended by a Naturopathic doctor. I am still trying to out run chemo.

Then, a terrible tragedy has come into the life of my very best friend. Another, had a massive stroke and fighting for life. I was thinking, that there are worse things than my cancer. More immediate.

As it is with life’s tapestry, weaving other threads into our day, there’s the happy news that Julio and Marie Ann are coming this Thursday. Our camino buddies. Julio called a few days ago, as they were boarding the train in Chicago to go to Yellowstone. “Are you still alright with kind invitation of us coming?” he asked. I responded in the affirmative. He also told me, that Marie Ann is saying that this country is soo big. Too big.

So, I am planning a few outings as they’re only here a few days. I need to cook ahead so we have something to eat as they’ll be late that Thursday. Cameron is coming in as well, so I pick him up first at the airport. (Must not forget to go to have several blood tests done that morning.)

Hopefully the aunts can come, as well as other friends who have been so supportive, loving and kind. The timing is good as I’ll have the CT scan and appointment with Oncologist May 2nd. Then we’ll have all the answers. Iwill ask Radiologist to concentrate on my left side. Maybe we can see what’s going on. If not, I guess I shall make appt with Urologist. (Julio and MarieAnn are leaving May 3rd.)

If tumor has not grown I will have another 2 mos.

Saturday, I have planned a little Fiesta for my friends.

Different days

Posted on April 8, 2012 by admin

Even though surgery is off the table and I am very relieved not having to got through all of that, the chemo boogie-man is still hovering close by. But, those fangs are not as sharp and big as they were.

The house is still since Cameron’s departure. Having lived alone for so long, it’s rather different having someone here. I have my old schedule back and my odd time keeping.

Since I nearly had one months before having bloodwork, CT scan, etc. I figured I deserved some time off and perhaps go to a cancer retreat. Get acupuncture, breathing techniques, raw food-juicing, emotional cleansing as well just in case there were unknown remnants. etc. I’d found a place in California. Sonoma Valley. Burbling brook, bird singing, lovely surroundings and peaceful. I envisioned myself on long hikes through a tall tree forest, doing all the above described things. I’d send an e-mail for more info and the owner called. After hearing some of my story, he was going to lower the rates so I could afford it. I’d also found a reasonable air fare and was so excited and looking forward to this marvelous respite… when…. I had to cancel everything. Sudden onslaught of a sharp, poking pain which nearly had me doubling over. I was hoping it would ‘just go away.’ But days later when it became worse not better I was scared and canceled the ticket, the retreat, not knowing what it was.

I finally had to go and seek medical help . From my back, to my side, to my lower front pelvic region. I would start out with Ibuprofen, then when that did not help at all, called the office to request stronger pain meds. Well, he called in some pills that made my head rummy and dizzy but did nothing for the pain. By Thursday, all day and through the night I thought I’d have to wake Cameron to take me to the Emergency room but then, held off because that would cost several thousand dollars. Friday morning, I called my GYN’s office to try to see him but discovered that they don’t work on that day. So, I called my Dr. They booked me for the afternoon. Those hours stretched painfully before me but finally I got to go.

Examination, Urin sample, blood test, including CA 125. I had shown doc the written order from my oncologist and asked if I could do these tests out of his office, the end of the month. He agreed but then ordered the very same tests!! I said, we didn’t need those now since I was going to have them the end of April. He answered, ‘well, we’ll just do them again’. This is the same Dr., who, a few weeks ago was trying to save Medicare’s money when Dr, D. ordered a CA 125. Go figure.

I had a thoughrough examination, including rectal which was a total surprise and produced groans and eye-rolling from me. Well. He didn’t know. Could be Diverticolitis. Painful, chronic attacks. I said ‘what??!’ I wouldn’t have anything I couldn’t spell, I told him. Or, it could be some infection, or if the pain won’t go away, it could be the cancer. He wrote a prescription for infection control. Cameron picked it up and when I saw the one page and a half warning, I was queasy.

I researched Diverticulitis and it stated: ‘Caused by a total ‘American based Diet’ of too much meat, too little fiber, not enough vegetables and chronic constipation.‘ I laughed out loud. Come on!! I’ve been on a Vegan lifestyle (except for a few times) for 2 years now and with detoxing I had enough roughage to fill Noah’s Arch. Had he not listened at all? I decided, right then and there that this would not be what I had. I was a little un-easy about the cancer since there are some other tumors in there, they just have not lit up the PET.

Then I remembered, when I had the Lithotripsy a couple of years ago, to blast way kidney stones. A couple remained on the bottom of my left kidney, they could not go up and then out. The pain I remembered as being the same excrutiating, writhing thing. I also remembered that the Emergency room Doctor, prescribed Flomax. I had thought that this was a med for males only but he said, no, it would make passing the stones a lot easier. Right he was. So. I searched and found the vial with some left. A little out-dated but I figured this was not Yohgurt. Sure enough by Sunday morning it was gone as sudden as it had appeared. What a total, happy relief.

Next day, I fell over the strung out garden hose and hit my knee and hurt my wrists. Just can’t have a day without something hurting or going on. Tiresome.

I was getting cabin fever as the weather was so unfriendly. High winds started up to 35-40 mph and I couldn’t walk. A friend called to ask if I would drive to Crested Butte with her. Sure, I said. Had not been there for years. That broke up the day.

Now, I try to keep busy until my appointment May 2nd. If tumor is table as well I won’t have to do anything for another 2 month. My life could be measured in 2-months increments. I’m planning a road trip with friends to Santa Fe.

Now it’s Easter Weekend. Inspite of this roller coaster ride, the terror and fears about surgery and chemo. The ever present cancer I feel at peace. The rising of CA 125 has stopped. This is my gift from God. Also, from my hard work. Happy Easter.

Well, here I go…

Posted on January 6, 2012 by admin

After some bloody, scary days last week I’d found out I was detoxing too much and my colon was ‘squeaky’ clean. Stopped doing that and things went away. Still had to go to my appointment and since I was there, I had another CA 125 (ovarian cancer blood test).

I was really, really hoping it had settled downward. But, yesterday’s result was such that I have to hasten to have the tumor removed. In only one months it climbed another 9 points.

Everything is lined up for the trip and I have a feeling that, maybe I should take some more things with me, which I would need, in preparation to stay. I think, Dr. D. may schedule surgery fairly soon. I am working very hard to do a Brain change for these very different treatments than I had envisioned for myself, for so long and stay positive.

When I saw my Doc, I was telling him about meeting with Dr. Giggles and that we’re not a good fit and how insensitive, rude and condescending he was, inspite his Wall-Diplomas, or because of them.

I was also telling him of the compassionate, kind Professor in Germany, whom I had only seen twice. He must’ve heard something as he told me, that I was in the best shape to have this surgery now. We talked about surgery and I jokingly said that I hoped there would be someone there to hold my colon while she went all the way back in there, he seriously replied, oh yes. There will be a resident doing that.’ Wow. That’s a picture I could’ve done without. He walked with me to the Front desk and gave me medical copies to take to Denver and then said, You look very nice and healthy’. I replied ‘ in Europe they call this the blooming life’. So ironic and sad that my numbers have gone up when I feel (and look) so well. No swollen lymphnodes. No pain, which is good but realistically, this will change. I hope they have good drugs.

When Doc called to give me the result, he ended by saying again, that I am in very good shape and he was very optimistic about the outcome. I suppose, now that ‘ve raised him for 10 years, he’s starting to ‘get it’. He has become a little more compassionate.

I will drive to Grand Junction on Tuesday so we can leave early for our 5+ hr drive over two mountain passes and hope the weather will keep being as good as it is now. Carrie wanted to come along and I said, of course she can, she’s my little soldier.

Marriott Hotel is close to University and offers a discount for patients. Also, free shuttle to Hospital and anywhere within 5 miles, to shop or restaurants. I don’t think I have time nor money to shop.

If I have to stay, Bonnie and Jayne will come to help pull me through and wait until I’m done. Got to have someone on the other side of OP cheering me on .

I will try to inform everyone, once I consult with both doctors. Wish me well. Say a little prayer.

Bye, New York- Hello, Denver

Posted on December 29, 2011 by admin

I am a lucky person.

Met my grandson in Denver and we flew to New York together. Dylan grew so tall in the four years I had not seen him, that I did not recognize him and had to call my daughter, who called him, to find him. My daughter with grandson Kaleb came later. What a most generous present from my son, to have all of us together for the Holy days.

We stayed at the home of Cameron’s buddy from Harvard days. They generously moved to couches in the Living room, to make room for 4 more people. And, we did the town. World Trade Center with the perpetual pools. Somber mood and sadness, running fingers over the carved names of so many people.

Madame Tusseau’s wax museum.

Ripley’s Believe it or not. Carriage ride around Central Park. Fifth Avenue with Christmas splendor deco. Ferry ride and Statue of Liberty. A special treat, going to the movie in Greewich Village, ‘The Way’. Cried some just for the recognition of what we had done and places we’d been.

China town, twice and good Vegan food. I’ve just really loved every minute of it and we walked 4-5 hours each time. My 8 year old grandson was just fascinated with everything and chattered, asked, talked. He also walked every bit without complaining.

But, all good things must come to an end and so on my last day I caught a cold and brought it home.

Bills, lovely christmas cards and a few presents from friends were here. Also, a call from Denver University Oncology Dept. I suppose that my reluctance to do chemo had resonated with someone as I have two appointments. One with Alternate Doctor and one with Surgeon/Chemo Doctor. I also have been offered a ride and Laurel said she would take off work, if she had to, to take me. Others, living in Denver offered their homes.

So, on January 11th we shall leave and head over the mountains, once more.

I’ve come to a point where I will do whatever is necessary to make this cancer history. I will also use ‘meditation and visualisation’ techniques to help myself and not keep predicting that I would get so sick. Mind over matter.

I’ve received the nicest note from German Professor-Dr. Koebe, (Hans-Guenter) with good wishes, encouragement and general up lifting. I wonder whether he would realize how much these notes help me? The same for his secretary, Marion. These are people I’d only met twice and I know he’s a very, very busy man and yet, he takes time out to pen a few words because he’s kind.

I really can’t help but compare Dr. ‘Giggles’ to him. And, the former falls way short. Professor Koebe tells me not to worry about ‘stuff’ and concentrate on Austria/Tirol trip in fall. To look forward eating potatoe balls and ‘Palat Schinken’ (a really good speciality) as this helps more than any medicine. His good thoughts and wishes will accompany me and to keep my fine spirit. Maybe he’ll even read this and knows that I am really grateful.

My son is in holding pattern, ready to come on a moments notice. My daughter is helping with love and support. She felt sad that she can’t be here and help as well but there are children, school, etc.

Thank you, my wonderful family and special friends. My little buddy, who always lights up a room.

Happy New Year.

Cheers and Kindness..

Posted on November 15, 2011 by admin

Yesterday, I had quite a few errands to do. First on the list, hospital billing dept. Just to finish up previous agreements. I had just finished cooking a pumpkin, potatoe soup with dry roasted pumpkin seeds and I thought, well, might as well take some to that office. Then I packed up my pumpkin, hazelnut, cranberry and raisin cookies to drop off at Surgical Team.

I needed a bank statement, so that was first. Everyone smiled, waved and said a friendly ‘good morning.’

As I walked to the billing office and knocked, I said “Meals on Wheels, for the shut-in’. They have such small cubicles. One has to really work at not getting claustrophobia. The receptionist wanted to know about my lifestyle diet and that took up a bit more time. (Have some good leads for cooking classes.)

That business done and it was quite pleasant, I left for my next visit. At the Black Canyon Surgical Center, I parked and took my cookies. When I came in, I said ‘Good Morning. I’m Inge’. They smiled and said ‘we know who you are. We saw you in the paper about the camino.’ Another lady said, ‘we are so proud of you. I hope I would be in this shape when I get to be that age.’ Another chimed in with ‘what a teriffic accomplishment’.

I told them that I was absolutely thrilled and touched by their card. It was better than a shot of Vitamins. They said that Dr. Jay was the one who suggested it. I told them, I’d be by visiting but didn’t want to come for an appoinment. (Did anything like that ever happened in a big city?)

Next, Natrual Grocers and more people coming up to shake my hand and congratulate me. Then I saw Steffi (daughter in law of my good friend, Carla ) and she was just filled with praise. She said everything would be alright, she just ‘knew’ it. In the check out line, one lady whispered she would pray for me upon hearing about P.E.T scan appointment.

As I left the store, I reflected what a very nice and friendly place I’m living in. I think, that in all those years, there’ve only a couple of unfriendly or rude people. From the Post Office to Grocery stores and other businesses, everyone is nice and welcoming. I especially notice the difference when I go to another city or country. We live in a very nice place and people come together to help when needed.

I’d send my good friend, Shirley, an e-mail asking if I could stay with her, if Holistic clinic in Scottsdale accepts Outpatients. Shirley was my boss back in the days of Judicial employment. We’ve been very good friends since.

She replied with love and kindness that she would absolutely be there for me, take me there, etc. If she couldn’t, then her daughter (and my special friend) Garci, would. So, if things have to go that way, there are movements in place. It’s being pro-active that helps. Not just standing still and bemoaning ones circumstances.

I’ve had a few shaky moments this morning, wondering about the result. Wishing with all my might that I do not have to utilize all these plan ‘B’ preparations. ( a.k.a Let this cup pass.) But, I know I can’t change the outcome. Only my reactions and how I’ll deal with it. I only have 30 min left on my allowed time to eat. So I will make some oatmeal with grated apple.

Originally, my friend Monika would’ve been coming with me this mornig but she had an emergency operation. So it’s just Inge and Inge. (Yes. There are two of us in this town.)

I will let everyone know what the result is as soon as I get them. Either way.

Root of Celery ‘Steak’

Posted on November 1, 2011 by admin

I was married, briefly. The nature channels tell me there are penguins with longer relationships.

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Walking at home…

Posted on November 1, 2011 by admin

I was married, briefly. The nature channels tell me there are penguins with longer relationships.

Useful links

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How Did the Camino Change Me?

Posted on October 29, 2011 by admin

I was married, briefly. The nature channels tell me there are penguins with longer relationships.

Usedful links

Kids would love this too

Posted on September 6, 2011 by admin

A new creation and my friend Bonnie came over to volunteer for taste testing. I am glad to report that not only did she survive but pronounced this dish, ‘very, very good’.

Potatoe Nest with steamed Veggies and Portabella ‘Burger’.

(Serves 2)

6 Yukon Gold Potatoes, 1/4 tsp nutmeg, 1/4 tsp rock/or sea salt, 1 Tbsp butter, 1 Tbsp parsley, 1 tsp dry roasted sesame seeds, mini carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, yellow/green zuccini, Asparagus (was on sale you can omitt). (Portabella is in recipe archive under ‘Portabella revisited.’

Cook, peel and mash potatoes, (best if you have a ricer). Season potatoes with salt and nutmeg , add parsley, butter. If consistency is too dense, add a little hot broth. Place in 16″ inch pastry bag with large star tip. Spray cookie sheet with Pam (or use a little butter) Squeeze pastry bag and create 3 tiered circles, approx 4-5 inches room in the middle. (You can draw circles onto parchment paper and then trace with bag. Sprinkle with sesame and bake @350F for approx. 10 min.

Meanwhile steam veggies, add herbs. When nests are done, place them in the middle. Serve with Portabella Burger. This is a very nice lunch or dinner for anyone.

Black Bean- Oatmeal Burger

Posted on September 2, 2011 by admin

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Eat fresh, organic and raw

Posted on August 29, 2011 by admin

Well, at least raw twice a day. That does not mean a raw potato. You don’t have to wait until you have a life-changing illness to change your lifestyle.

During my cancer journey, last time, I could barely eat anything. Chemo changed the taste of so many food items. Then, there was hardly any appetite due to long lasting nausea.

I would buy fresh products and create dishes. I would experiment with new items but what I neglected was organic. First reason, there was no organic market here. I’ve learned just because something looks green, or like a sweet potato, it doesn’t make it organic. It’s been sprayed into oblivion. It’s been trucked across and sometimes left sitting in the hot sun or cold weather. By the time, we pick it up, it’s been altered considerably. I thought I bought fresh. I did not know about mercury in fish. I did not know a whole lot about GOOD healthful food.

Then, about 3 years ago my health started to deteriorate. I had a myriad of ‘phantom’ complaints. I made the doctor rounds and no one knew what was the matter with me. I had heart palpitations. My hair started to fall out. I started to gain weight and had fluid retention. My eyes were so grainy and burning, I thought that I had severe allergies. My right kidney hurt. I had to go to the bathroom 12-14 times a day. (I went to the Urologist and he diagnosed me with ‘Interstitial Cystitis.’ This is when the mucuous lining of the bladder ‘eats itself’,breaks down. Very painful and chronic. Finally, I couldn’t stand the pain any more and went to a different Urologist, who diagnosed me with kidney stones. Geez. Eighteen month of pain. and a wrong call. I had a Lithotripsy to remove them. I finally got some Thyroid medication for the other problems.

Then, I got Plantar’s Fasciitis and couldn’t walk. It felt like I stepped on broken glass. Months later, I finally saw a very good Foot Therapist and he helped with that. My friend Carla, tried to get me to eat ‘organic’. She tried to impress its importance. She said, I needed to change my food. I kept saying to her, ‘ but I eat well and fresh. I can’t afford organic’. When the lab report came back, it stated the stones were ‘calcium’ based, meaning ‘you eat wrong.’

On the right, this is what they look like The most painful ordeal. Child birth is a low 1 point on that scale!! This procedure cost $16,000. (Imagine the amount of organic food that would’ve bought.)

Finally, when I was re-diagnosed with cancer, 18 mos ago, I was so scared I changed my lifestyle over night! One of the first things I did, was, to appologize to my friend, Carla. For being stubborn, un-believing of her many years of knowledge and the gentle, loving way she tried to make me see.

I learned that even though, I knew a LOT about food and butter and cream sauces and wonderful dishes and pastries, I knew very little about NUTRITION. You can eat and still be nutritionally malnutritioned. That’s where the trouble starts. Your Immune system is falling apart, sending desperate signals of ‘symptoms’, which we ignore or, silence them with prescription drugs because hardly anyone is interested in the CAUSE. God forbid, we should do without that cheeseburger and lab-created, plastic maccaroni and cheese. Or, we think, that this only happens to other people.

I look at the many cooking shows where some designer Chef pours massive amounts of oil into pots and pans. Or, like the one lady who uses pounds of butter and sugar to make things taste good. Well, it takes a better chef to make food taste good without all that stuff.

Changing my lifestyle, even as a senior citizen, was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I’ve lost all that piled-on weight (43 lbs so far.) No more pains, no more kidney stones. My skin is glowing, my eyes are bright. I have very good energy. I am full of Tatendrang (desire to do great things.) Some people do not really believe that I have cancer. How can I look, feel this good? Well, I have no clue. The scans, bloodwork and tests say, I do. The first P.E.T scan showed 3 tumors. One in lower abdomen, this one disappeared with lifestyle change and never came back. One, in my lung (removed with VATS (1 at the inside of my spine (it’s the last one and that’s the one I’m researching for Cyberknife procedure. (Remember? Non invasive, painfree, hard to get to place?)

I have renewed my attention and committment to eat better. I eat two raw meals a day (salad with 5-8 ingredients and home made, wonderful tasting dressings. I juice and do smoothies. I walk for miles, at least 3-4 days in the week. I feel great.

What I would like to impress on my family and friends, especially for my grandchildren, is, to start NOW. Start better habits. I worry about the sugar they eat, the bad carbs, the lack of raw, organic foods. Just think about it. Just love yourself enough to change.

The medical side wants to do surgery, chemo. I still try to hold that off and walking the camino is one of my ideas.

Long, long ago…

Posted on August 28, 2011 by admin

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Let’s all go Nuts

Posted on August 27, 2011 by admin

I spend a large amount of time researching. On all German speaking websites, too. (Austria, Switzerland). I go to ‘Heidelberg, Munich, Cologne and other Universities. I check their wellness program and cancer approach. Last spring, when I went to Wuerzburg University to have a CT scan and bloodwork, I also visited the famous ‘Immunobiology Therapy’- Hufeland Clinic in ‘Bad Mergentheim’, Germany. It was an amazing experience.

They treat all kinds of Immuno-problems, holistically. Their Motto is:

1. Detox

2. Regenerate

3. Activate Defense.

They had a waiting list as patients come from all over the world. People come to be treated without chemo or radiation but especially after they’ve already had one or both, to help put them together from all that toxic mess. I would have loved to stay but I just couldn’t afford it. While I waited for my appointment I ate a bowl full of nuts.

What I have learned, is that they all use the same dietary approach. Organic, local if possible and seasonal, low fat, very little sugar.

I have gone nuts over the nut approach. They’re easy to get, easy to eat and have tons of healthy attributes. MOST importantly though, they must be raw, organic, and unsalted. Here are the most important ones:

(Clinic is near this wonderful park.)

ALMONDS: have as much calcium as milk. They contain Vitamin E, selenium, magnesium and lots of fiber. (Most people need that, for sure.)

CASHEWS: are rich in minerals, like copper, magnesium, zinc, iron and biotin. Good news is that they’re low in fat and have a high concentration aleic acid which is great for heart health as well. Research states that one, big handful of cashews provides one, to two thousand milligrams of tryoptophan, which will work as well as a prescription of Prozac.

BRAZIL nuts are a great source of protein, copper, niacin (more on that important one later) magnesium, fiber, selenium and vitamin E.

PINE nuts have vitamin A,B,D,E and contain 70% of required amino acids. Sprinkle lots on your salad, in your soup.

PECANS are loaded with vitamin E and A, calcium, aolic acid, magnesium, copper, phosphorus, potassium, manganese, zinc and a few B-vitamins.

WALNUTS your heart and brain loves them and they contain cancer fighting antioxidants as well.

Now, maybe you’re looking for the PEANUT. Well, it’s missing on purpose from this honorable line up. Peanut, is not a nut but belongs to the bean family. It is very high in Omega 6 fat acid, which suppress the immune ssystem and can increas tumor growth.

Most (if not all) Peanut Farms use pesticides and therefor all is contaminated. They can also contain a carcinogenic mold, called aflatoxin.

Use ORGANIC Nut butters. Almond or Cashew. I’ve recently posted a recipe how to make that one yourself.

So. Mix up a bowl of nuts and seeds and go NUTS.

Choose Hope

Posted on August 25, 2011 by admin

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Great ideas and helpful hints

Posted on August 25, 2011 by admin

A friend sent me an e-mail with these great suggestions.

So here are some good ideas. — It’s hard to get kids eat salad but this may do the trick. You will need: 1 head of iceberg lettuce, 2 med carrots, peeled and sliced, 1 small cucumber sliced, 1 pint cherry or grape tomatoes, 1 pint mini-mozzarella cheese balls.

In bowl, whisk together 1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil, 1/4 cup balsamic (or regular) vinegar, 1/2 tsp ground mustard (or Dijon) pinch of sugar, 1 Tbsp chopped parsley and/or basil.

Wooden skewers.

Cut iceberg lettuce into wedges then into 1 and 1/2″ cubes. Thread wooden skewer, alternating with sliced carrots, cucumber, lettuce cubes, tomatoes and cheese. Serve with Balsamic dressing to dip in. This would be a different salad treat for your next BBQ as well.

DON’T throw out left over salad. You can use this wilted green and make a delicious Gazpacho soup. In a food processor or blender pulse 2 cups of salad (including the vinaigrette and croutons) 1 small, chopped onion and 1 clove garlic until coarsely chopped. Transfer to a large bowl and add 2 cups of vegetable juice and chill. Low calories and fast. Serve with garlic- buttered bread.

Fluffy, summer pancakes: Swap the milk or buttermilk in the recipe for seltzer. It’ll make for a light, bubbly texture. Add the seltzer last and gently fold it so you won’t lose the fizz. Cuts down on calories as well as lactose intolerant people can eat pancakes.

Nightmares -“Daymares”

Posted on August 25, 2011 by admin

Of course, that’s a made up word but since I seem to have nightmares even when I’m awake, perhaps it’s a new word. It seems that the peaceful, calm times are getting shorter. I wake up at odd hours from a night mare. I hear my doctor telling me, ten years ago, that if the cancer came back, it would be ‘really bad, worse than the first time.’ I wonder why I had to have this information? It lay dormant for that many years only to emerge in the blue hours of the night.

My other doctor telling me, that if that small ‘thing’ on my spine ever became a problem, it would be very diffilcult to operate, if not impossible. So! These old records, echoing their voices from long ago, as it has become my reality. But, at the same time there’s new technology. There are different options and choices. They need to be more careful what they throw out, even when meant well. Goes to show how very powerful words are and not just from the medical side. The impact of careless words. Like wild horses. Once they’re out and gallopping, you can’t call them back.

I also dreamed that I couldn’t find my purse and ran all over the place, looking. When I did find it, everything was taken. Just an empty purse and at the sight of that open, black, gaping hole, I couldn’t breath. The remaining hours of interrupted sleep, stretching before me like a long, bumpy road. The crickets chirped relentlessly but I was grateful for their incessant noise. I know, I really do, that I could call my friends, even at that hour but what would be different? They’d lose sleep, too.

I had my son call my doctor and ask him a lot questions but I did not want to know, at this point in time. I cling onto the camino like a life saver raft. Running away. How long is that leash?? I would love to unzip my skin and step out of it at those times. Even get away from myself. I am not a whiner, usually. I’ve dealt with a lot of set backs, hard knocks. But all of that was ‘do-able’ I don’t mind so much adversity in life as I’ve become rather good at dealing with things as long as it is ‘DO-ABLE.’

I’ve noticed I’ve also become somewhat short tempered at people’s ‘problems’. They’re having a bad hair day. They imagine their jeans make their butts look big. They broke a perfect nail. Their husband/wife is not listening. The laundry detergent is not making their underwear white. ‘Let’s trade places’. I know. I know. It’s not fair. It’s not their fault I’m saddled with this crap. I promise, this does not last very long. Only the time span of a Hummingbird cough.

I was so moved and touched to tears by my son and daughters’ loving support and willingess to carry some of this burden. My friends rallied around, coming by, spending quality time.

I drove to Grand Junction and visited my ‘adopted’ family. We went to have lunch down town. Lovely street, art work shops and restaurants. (Had salad and a Portabella. This one, on a rosemary-herb roll.) I actually wanted to sell some gold but when he offerd a low price, I kept it. Sentimental value was so much more.

Hungarian Goulash

Posted on August 24, 2011 by admin

I am constantly trying to expand my list of meatless, low fat, sugar-free dishes. It’s not that easy! But, here is a winner and keeper. (My friend Bonnie says so.)

This recipe is for 4 hungry people:

2 yukon gold potatoes

2 sweet potatoes

2 onions

3 Portabellas

1 can (salt free) diced tomatoes, fresh is better

1/2 can of tomato paste

2 cloves of garlic

2 Tbsp sweet paprika, salt, pepper, dash chili flakes, 2 bay leaves, 1/2 tsp caraway seeds

Vegetable broth

1 cup Merlot

Dice onions, garlic and sautee in coconut oil, add diced Portabella’s, sautee for about 5-8 min. Then, add diced potatoes, broth and red wine. Simmer on med heat for approx. 1 hr. Then add paprika, tomatoes and all speices. Simmer an additional 15-20 min. Sprinkle Ital parsely on top.

Serve with steamed broccoli or baby bok-choy.

Smoothie Ideas

Posted on August 23, 2011 by admin

Gallery

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Awesome Black Canyon

Posted on August 23, 2011 by admin

Everyone has heard of the Grand Canyon. This is God’s smaller, just as impressive, more compact miracle. The Black Canyon is only 20 minutes from my house. Practically in my back yard. I love going there. Especially in the morning, when all is quiet, except for an occasional bird calling, or the tourists show up with their loud motorcycles and speeding cars. The pictures do not give justice to the dizzying depths. There are places, where the sun has never, ever touched the rocks. Rock formation that are over one Billion years old. Makes one feel insignificant before such wonders. How lucky am I to live so close and get to go any time I want? VERY lucky, indeed.

Sunday morning when I went on a 3-hour hike to prepare for the Camino, I met this doe. It did not move, just stood at attention, watching me. It did make some low sounds, almost like growling. I wonder if there was a fawn in the underbrush?

The Gunnison river is below. One can hear it rushing and thundering.

Invasive thoughts are still there

Posted on August 21, 2011 by admin

I’ve received a long e-mail from my only niece, who lives in Germany. Very talented, gifted and pretty young woman. Two years ago, she too, had cancer. She’d noticed a little blister-like spot on the underside of her tongue. She thought that this was from a tooth that had an uneven edge. When she finally went to the Dentist, he immediately send her to the hospital for tests. It was positive and already in her lymphnodes.

How I admire her for going through this horrid time. Of all places to get cancer, this is just awful.

She had one of the best micro-reconstructive, surgical teams, who, in an 8 hr operation, ‘cut’ her throat and amputated half of her tongue, then took a piece of flesh out of her upper arm and fashioned a new ‘half’. They followed up with precision radiation (cyberknife?) and she’s alright. Although she can’t ever have the simple joy of ‘licking’ an ice cream cone. All her food had to be pureed and she had to learn to talk all over again. (She’s doing very well on that account too.)

Meanwhile I received a copy of my pathology report and there it is, in black and white. Four impersonal, clinical sentences that are responsible for my interrupted- night sleep. I am not going to write the result here. I’m just a little superstitious! If I do, then it’s like written in marble and forever there. I don’t want to have these thoughts in my brain nor ‘here’. With each time that it is mentioned, it’s as if it’s pounded real some more. And yet…yet, how can I stop thinking?

I spend a lot of time researching. People send me lots of info. It would be a lot easier if I had a sounding board or, someone to bounce these ideas back and forth.

Another Doctor, whom I’ve talked with yesterday, also encouraged me to have surgery and chemo! What IS this, with the cutting?? And the chemo? I wanted to say to him, in a childish, little fit..’ well, you go have it then!’

Well. I don’t have to make a decision, yet. First, the camino. I can’t believe that I am actually going. This was only a fleeting thought, a couple of months ago and here I am preparing. ‘Behave as if it’s going to happen’ and I did. Bought only small, inexpensive items at first. Started hiking different places and longer. Started to research Camino de Santiago more and felt a growing excitement. As if it was calling me, pulling me there like magnet. Even when I thought I had to go by myself and woke up questioning my sanity, the feeling of having to go, persisted.

Now, I’m getting ready to go to the Black Canyon, this huge, gorgeous cathedral, for my Sunday morning walk , solitude and prayers of gratitude. .

Same green, amazing smoothie

Posted on August 19, 2011 by admin

I’ve learned a new word, yesterday and thought it was most

fitting. “Entheogen” is from the Greek and means “Creates God within” (en=within, theo=God, gen=creates or generates). This smoothie was created with kale, a stalk of celery, baby spinach, Italian parsley, and a green apple. All organic, of course. (I served this in a Bavarian hand carved glass. Because I’m worth it.)

Yesterday, I also spent a couple of hours creating this scrumptious Bolognese sauce. Also, known as a different form of Ratatouille. (Without the rat.) This is a true labor of love but it makes a whole bunch and freezes very well.

This gorgeous Bolognese sauce is made from: peppers of all colors, celery, carrots, onions, garlic, (sauteed in coconut oil and just a little butter) Italian parsley, mushrooms (sauteed in dry sherry) canned-salt free tomatoes, tomato paste, home made vegetable broth, red wine, oregano, a few chili flakes. Simmered about 2 hours. This can also be served with potatoes and brown rice. Of course, I’m using spaghetti squash.

Rainbow colors

Posted on August 18, 2011 by admin

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Portabello-revisited and new creations

Posted on August 17, 2011 by admin

After I’ve received a few calls from friends to post some pictures of the portabello lunch, I’ve decided to make this for them. A few changes need mentioned.

I live at high altitude so your cooking time may vary. Also, my friends did not like Provolone and so I chose a local cheese. All natural, called “Portabello-Leek-Jack” which has more flavor. (No. I did not eat that one. Mine is on the right.)

Now, I will be prepping a huge amount of vegetables for my Ratattouille.

Expectations

Posted on August 17, 2011 by admin

Content area

Portabella

Posted on August 17, 2011 by admin

Such a lovely name. I did not give this fungi the respect it deserves until about a year ago.

Since my lifestyle change, I had not eaten any meat and wanted something more substantial and of a texture different from that of potatoes, rice, or salads. This is what I created and it tastes great.

2 Portabellas (per person)
Mrs. Dash seasoning (or equivalent)
roasted red pepper (from glass or, fresh if you have time to roast
green and yellow zucchini
1 Tbsp Liquid Smoke
1/2 tsp coconut oil
1/2 tsp butter
(Provolone cheese if you’re not Vegan.)

Wipe the portabellas with a paper towel. Do not wash them because they’ll get water-logged and unsuitable. Heat the oil and butter in pan, add the portabellas, top down, then red peppers on the side. Sautee covered, for about 10 minutes on medium heat.

Cut zucchini (like french fries) and add to pan. Sprinkle with Mrs. Dash. Turn the portabellas, zucchini, and red peppers, and continue to sautee, covered, for another 5-8 minutes. Place red peppers on top of the portabellas and then add cheese and Liquid Smoke. Cover again and cook for another few minutes until the cheese has melted. Looks really nice and colorful. (I was going to upload a picture, as I made this last night but was too hungry to wait.)

Eating my perfect Mango

Posted on August 15, 2011 by admin

The other day I bought this gorgeous mango. I placed it on a special plate and admired it for a couple of days. If I could paint, this would’ve made a beautiful still-life. Today, it’s history and ending up in this salad.

Multiple arms like ‘Kali’

Posted on August 15, 2011 by admin

This is what I thought about, yesterday, as I tried to get so many things done. Kali, the Indian Goddess with multiple arms. Took my old friend to the airport and just ‘threw’ her out so I wouldn’t weep. No long good bye’s. I came home to a silent, empty house and started a flurry of acitvities to fill the silence. With some people you can’t wait until they leave and others, it gets really tough when they do. Cleaned the guestroom, washed laundry, vaccumed, prepped veggie food. Cooked some black bean burgers. In between I researched for options and read all these opinions on cancer cures, that some people swear by. I’d like to meet them. I almost started the Hydrogen Peroxide (oxygenating cells) until a Doctor told me that even though it did help with cancer, later on in most cases, these people developed bone cancer. So, it seems, you swap one for the other.

The Gerson method, which makes the most sense, is also very, very diffilcult to do alone and very expensive.

My mail box is filled with links and suggestions. All from well meaning, good friends. The multitude of choices is staggering. How to decide which one is THE one?

To help sort it out and make an informed decision I wrote to Prof. Dr. K. in Wuerzburg. He is a renouned Lung Specialist in Germany. ( He has the same first names as my brother who died of lung cancer in 2000.) While I visited my relatives, I went there to have my bloodwork and a CT scan done. Very kind and compassionate. Very encouraging, knowledgable and efficient. While I had to wait here for weeks and then for days to hear about results, he answered the next day. (I am sure he’s very busy as well as he has a whole Hospital to take care of.) He’s willing to lead me through this maze of choices as I’m not at all sure whether my decisions would be fear based. His parting words to me were:

‘I wish you could stay so I could make you well’. I was in tears as no one ever said this to me before.

I’m regrouping this morning. Hope. Can’t beat it down. There it is. A new, little sprig, green and fresh. I am also going shopping to buy a whole bushel of cruciferous vegetables… and start more juicing… and take my vitamins by the handful… go out and get vitamin D which is so plentyful in Colorado. (All the while pray short and longer versions of the same prayer: ‘ please let this pass’. I want to see the beauty of this gorgeous world just a little bit longer. I want to see my son and daughter happy and my grandchildren graduated.

I want to have my friends over to share food and laughter. I want to get a dog although right now I travel too much but there’s neighbor’s dog ‘Cassie’ who fills that spot.

Super Green start of the day

Posted on August 12, 2011 by admin

I have been going a little side ways with my healthful lifestyle. I am coming back to it this morning, hailing it like a dear old friend, sorely missed. A super green smoothie will make my cheeks pink and my cells smile. (I’m trying to make this very appealing)

You will need:

1 hand full of fresh, organic spinach

2 celery stalks

1 green apple, cored

sprig of parsley

1-2 Kale leaves

Throw into mixer, add some good water (not from faucet) and give it a good whirl. To sweeten just a little, you can add a banana. I add 1 Tbsp of ground Flax seeds which makes this look like Pond scum but the taste is great.

Rest from the party.

Posted on August 9, 2011 by admin

Computer kept crashing this morning and that is why there’s a part II. This is the castle in Erlangen, Germany. (The lovely, young lady is my granddaughter.) This is also where my best friend and I played ,on the castle grounds and marvelous gardens, pretending we owned it.

It ain’t over until the fat lady sings!!!

Time flies…

Posted on August 9, 2011 by admin

…when you’re having fun and I’ve had more than my fair share of it, lately. The pictures are from our ‘Bavarian grill party.’ With food, song and ‘wine’ and a perfect Sunday afternoon with good friends. I did try to yodel after one drink but that was a sad imitation of the real thing.

I have been remiss in my hiking and feel vaguely guilty. The same kind of guilt that I felt, when I ate half a bratwurst. But, I also served a lot of vegetable kebabs.

We’re driving up to the Black Canyon this morning for a hike and sight seeing with my best friend.

Lifetime friends for sixty-three years. We’d met in Kindergartenin Erlangen, Germany. Lived on the same street. It’s a rare treasure to find someone of that quality, faithfulness and unconditional love.

Various home made dressings

Posted on August 5, 2011 by admin

For awhile now I’ve been making my own dressings as that ‘gummy’ concoction from a bottle is nearly nauseating. Especially the ‘fat -free’ stuff. Here are a few, basic great tasting alternatives. Remember, only coat the salad. Don’t drown it in dressing.

Classic French Dijon: Cilantro Lime

1/3 cup white wine vinegar 1/4 cup fresh lime juice

1/2 tsp each, kosher salt 2 Tbsp cider vinegar

and black pepper 1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

1 Tbsp Dijon mustard 1/2 tsp ground cumin

1 Tbsp sugar 1/4 tsp kosher salt

2 tsp chopped Thyme, Estragon 1 Tbsp honey

1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil 2 Tbsp cilantro

2/3 cup (or less) canola oil

_____________________________________________

Raspberry Balsamic:

1/3 cup balsamic vinegar

2 Tbsp water

4 tsp raspberry preserves

1/4 tsp kosher salt/ 1/2tsp gr black pepper

1 Tbsp finely chopped shallot

2/3 cup extra virg olive oil

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Synergy,Tandem and invisible companions.

Posted on August 3, 2011 by admin

Alone today at the canyon at 6:30 A.M with back pack, water and a sandwich. Beautiful, cool and peaceful. Thoughts coming through and I wonder at their source. First, I was thinking of my daughter, who lost her job, with 10 other co-workers, by their company’s downsizing. My granddaughter who has no job either. Then I had to let that go. After awhile, I became aware of the click-clack sound my poles were making. Everything moving in tandem. Step-clack-step-click, inhaling well, heart pumping, lung expelling without any pain from previous surgery. Feet moving in comfy boots. ( I LOVE those hiking socks!!)

I thought of ‘Quasimodo’ the handicapped bell ringer of Notre Dame and the beautiful Esmeralda. They became my invisible companions. He had a weight on his back, which he couldn’t take off. ‘ Mochila’ means back pack in Spanish but I will name my lumpy weight pack ‘Quasimodo’. Almost like a Siamese twin for the whole way. I could feel my hip bones under this added weight. A few years ago, I had a bone density test and was told that I had the ‘hips of a twenty year old’. So. Thank you ancestors and parents for my functional hips.

I was shaken out of my reverie by the piercing cry of a falcon? I started singing old Folk songs. I was feeling my kidneys a bit too. But to think that a mere 2 years ago I had kidney stones and a whole assortement of other problems, I revel in feeling so well.

Then I thought of my parents. Hard working, honest laborers. Giving me the gift of tenacity, perserverance and courage and a good dose of ‘optimism from Mom, who sang even when she was despairing, although some of those ballads sure had us bawling.). Gifts more worth than money. I hope I passed them on to my son and daughter.

And thus, I walked 5.5 miles or nearly 9 Kilometers, in two hours at 9000 feet altitude. Not too bad for an old broad. When I got home and took ‘Quasimodo’ off, the sudden liberation unbalanced me for a few steps and I zig-zagged like a drunken bee. (Bumble bee before I’d lost the weight.)

Not the same ol’ breakfast

Posted on August 3, 2011 by admin

When my friend Bonnie came last week to help out with domestic chaos, I rewarded her and myself with this wonderful breakfast.

Pumpkin Pancakes:

1 and 3/4 cups whole wheat ( or whole grain) pastry flour

2 Tbsp light packed raw sugar

2 tsp baking soda

1 Tbsp pumpkin pie spice

1/4 tsp salt ( a. k. a ‘pinch’)

1 cup canned pumpkin puree

1 and 1/2 fat free ( or skim) milk

1 large egg (or 1/2 cup liquid egg substitute)

2 Tbsp unsweetened apple sauce

2 Tbsp cider vinegar

In large bowl mix dry ingredients. In a small bowl whisk together pumkin puree, milk, egg, apple sauce and cider vinegar. Stir this mix into dry ingredients until ‘just’ blended. Let batter rest for 5 min. Preheat skillet or griddle to med high heat and mist with cooking spray. For each pancake, pour 1/4 cup batter onto skillet. When edges are dry, flip. ( 1-2 min per side). Only 133 cals and 1 g fat.

Serve with pear sauce. Heat medium skillet over med heat, coated with cooking spray. Add 2 pears (cored and sliced) and 1 Tbsp crystallized ginger. Cook and stir for approx. 5 min. add 1/4 to 1/2 cup of lite syrup. Cook for one more minute and keep warm.

Crepes filled with veggies

Posted on August 2, 2011 by admin

When my daughter, Candy, was little, she’d ask me what a crepe was. I would tell her a crepe was a pancake that had gone to the Sorbonne. 🙂

This is a really good, simple dish. You can use whole wheat flour (1 and 1/2 cups) 2 eggs, milk, 1/4 tsp salt. The batter should have the consistency of (liquid) whipping cream. Let the batter rest in fridge for at least 2 hrs.

Dice and saute small carrots, zuccini, and celery in coconut oil. Use a little Mrs. Dash for seasoning. Then use coconut oil to sautee and fry the crepes. When each crepe is done, spread cashew butter on it then add veggies. Add salad greens and a sliced tomato for garnish.

My young days

Posted on August 1, 2011 by admin

This is one of the only pictures as a child. In 1944, when I was born

in Erlangen (Bavaria) Germany, war was still going on and there was no money for a camera.

A Photographer came and took pictures at the Kindergarten when I was 4+ years old.

(Lovingly mended sleeves on a hand-me-down

dress from my sister.

First day of school in 1950. We all had our ‘cone’ an old tradition. Filled with sweets and school supplies.

Mother Nature’s Jewels

Posted on August 1, 2011 by admin

These are great choices for a summer salad collection.

Either by itself or as a elegant first course. The green one is ‘Lambs lettuce’

or Rapunzel. In the store it’s under Mache’. A little apple cider

vinegar and walnut oil, Then we have red beets,

a dash of cinnamon, raspberry vinegar, and 2 Tbsp walnut oil.

Cucumber and tomato salad, grated daikon. These have only

seasoned rice vinegar and same amount of water.

Oil change in the kitchen

Posted on July 30, 2011 by admin

Before we start cooking, it’s very important to know a little about what to use to cook/fry/saute food with.

Margarine: Lab created. It looks like grey sludge before they bleach it and then add yellow color. Some are made from cottonseed oil which is not for human consumption due to their toxic substance. Others are named ‘Canola’ which is actually ‘rapeseed’. Look it up. They created that one for cars.

All oils, even expensive olive oils, should never see the ‘light of day’. You can use it sparingly when cold but never heat it. It will release radicals which will stay in your body.

The ONLY fat that is healthful and goes right through, is, Coconut oil. Still a fat but a much better one for you.

Butter has gotten a bad rap for a long time and it’s still not the most ideal but of course, much better than above margarine which uses expensive ads. (Especially one with ‘Fabio’ long haired, aging Italian who’s swinging from Garlands and running up steps in Venice, to sell this stuff.

You can substitute dry sherry, orange juice, apple juice, mineral water to fry and saute. This will brown your meat and or vegetables without fat.

Flaxseed oil is one of the other healthy oils. It comes in dark bottle and has to be refrigerated. It’s never just sitting for month on a shelf.

Just making a small change can mean so much.

Vegan dessert

Posted on July 27, 2011 by admin

If you think that Vegan Food is boring or restrictive, there’s another reality. It’s much more colorful and with a few tricks and a bit know-how can be excellent, even ‘gourmet’.

I got this recipe of a T.V cooking show and recreated it the same week when I had company. (Got huge raves.)

1 lb Vegan chocolate

1 can of coconut milk

muffin liners

powdered sugar

Divide chocolate. Melt over hot water. Then, brush muffin liners (3/4 up to top) place in fridge or freezer. ( I do this step a day ahead.) A couple of hours before dinner and /or guests, melt second half of chocolate, poir into mixing bowl. Open can of coconut milk and just use the ‘fat part’ which has accumulated on the top do NOT use the liquid.(Save for another use.) Add 3 Tbsp of powdered sugar and whip choc. coconut mix.

Get chocolate muffin liners, let it stand at room temparatur for a few minutes and then carefully peel off the paper. Add a couple of spoons of choc mousse, then place all back into fridge.

You can make a raspberry ‘coulis’ (sauce) with this and it looks great. Press raspberry through a fine mesh sieve, add a couple of Tbsp powdered sugar. (2 Tbsp of ‘Kirsch’ if desired and I’ll tell you you will desire this.) ‘Paint’ sauce onto plate, set choc mousse cup next to it. Voila. Great dessert.

Cashew Butter

Posted on July 27, 2011 by admin

Although not fat-free this tasty spread is amazingly good. You can reduce your cow butter-fat quite a bit. For 1/4 cup serving size it only has 11 g of fat.

2 cups raw cashews

1 cup filtered water

1/3 red pepper, ribs and seeds removed

2 and 1/2 Tbsp green onion -diced

2 Tbsp fresh cilantro- minced

1 tsp garlc minced

1/4 tsp salt

pinch crushed red pepper flakes

Place cashews in a small bowl and add enough water to barely cover. Let stand for a few hours. Then place in a blender (or use immerser) and blend until very smooth. Assemble rest of ingredients and add to ‘butter’. Serve immediately or place in a glass container with a tight fitting lid. Place in fridge and use between 3-4 days. This can also be used a a dip base for your party or summer grill.

Chilled Soup on Hot Day

Posted on July 25, 2011 by admin

After yesterday’s hike and heat, it would’ve been great to come home to a cold soup. This one is very simple, very healthful and very good. With only 170 cals and 1 g fat, it’s ideal too.

Chillded Melon Soup:

(makes 2 cups) adjust to more servings)

1 lg honey dew or cantaloupe melon, rind removed

1 cup coconut water

2 Tbs freshly squeezed lime juice

pinch chili powder–and cayenne–and cinnamon

Dash agave nectar (optional)

Blueberries (optional)

fresh mint leaves

Cut melon in half and remove seeds

Place melon in blender and add coconut water, lime juice and seasonings. Blend on low speed until well mixed.

You can use different fruits for different soups.

Roasted Peacock

Posted on July 22, 2011 by admin

In my last post, I mentioned that my father had given me a recipe for roasted peacock. I thought for sure he was joking. But here’s the recipe, just in case:

The young peacock should be killed 3 days prior to use. Pluck feathers and hang in an airy place. Remove head and then tie neck and wings together. Wash inside and out. Then rub all over with salt and pepper. Add 1 bay leaf, parsley and basil into cavity. Place bacon slices onto its belly and roast slowly. Or, you can roast him over a rotisserie, then add butter while turning.

Mango Arugula Salad

Posted on July 20, 2011 by admin

2 Tbs orange juice

2 Tbs olive oil

1 Tbs each fresh cilantro and chives

1 lime, zested, juiced and divided

1 and 1/2 tsp white wine vinegar

pinch of cayenne pepper

1 med ripe avocado

6 cups baby arugula/spinach leaves

1 ripe mango cut into wedges

1/2 cup red onions

1/4 cup sliced red peppers

In bowl whisk together orange juice, oil, cilantro and chives, 1 Tbs. lime juice, 1/4 tsp lime zest, vinegar and cayenne. Season w salt & pepper.

Halve, pit and thinly slice avocado. Brush avocado slices with remaining lime juice. Place arugula on serving platter. Top w avocados, mangos and red pepper.

Drizzle salad w vinaigrette just before serving.

Food Gathering

Posted on July 19, 2011 by admin

This morning was still dark when I got up and not quite bouncing with energy but never the less got ready for a hike. My friend Monika went with me and we drove to the canyon not the altitude top this time but to the bottom. Hair pin curves are a bit scary and the surrounding is breath taking between high canyon walls and lush, green, narrow valley. The Gunnison River is mandering through there and we even saw a fly fisher. A buck and doe crossed the street before us, not even worried, still chewing whatever they’d found. Rabbits and chipmunks. Only birds sang, otherwise it’s this velvety peace and stillness.

There was no hard breathing at the bottom. Nice change from the lung burning, air grasping hike on top. Next time, we’ll go 10 miles. I have to go farther than a few miles in readiness for the camino.

At home, the same old problem. What to eat? Running off to get fresh vegetables and then putting it together in a pleasing manner. How easy just a couple of eggs would’ve been. Or, a nasty burger and fries. Well. I did the veggies. Boiled my potatoes and added Italian Beans. Love those. (My subconscious waiting for the phone call and results from the Mayo clinic.) Also a side salad with pears chopped in.

Went to price hiking boots. Yikes. On Sale, they’re still $170.00 but did not buy those. They hurt my shins. (Shins are devices for finding furniture in the dark.) They did offer to stretch my boots, free service. Maybe that will make them better. Sure hope so.

French Onion soup

Posted on July 18, 2011 by admin

Although this has cheese, it only has 13 g of fat, so as an occasional treat it’s a great soup:

6 portions

1 and 1/2 lb mild onions

2 Yukon gold potatoes

3 Tbsp butter

1 cup white wine

5 cups vegetable or beef broth

1 bouquet Garni (Thyme, bay leaf, parsley) fresh if possible

S&P

2 cloves of garlic

6 pieces wheat or white bread, 1 day old ( not super market type) but Farmer’s

5 oz grated Emmentaler (Swiss cheese)

Cut onions into thin slices. Peel pot and wash. Melt butter, saute onion to a golden brown. Add wine and let cook on med high. Grate potatoes and add. Pour broth and add bouquet (tied) garni. S&P, reduce heat and simmer 20 min. –Preheat oven to 200F. Peel garlic and rub over bread slices. Remove herbs (garni bouquet) and pour soup into fireproof bowls. Add one piece of bread and thick layer of grated cheese. Bake until golden brown. (approx. 10 min)

Bon appetit.

Red Beets are natures rubies

Posted on July 14, 2011 by admin

Red beet ‘chips’.

Fresh, organic red beets (3-5)

Panko bread crumbs

organic coconut oil

1 egg (Vegans– no egg)

A dash of “Mrs Dash”

Trim leaves off beets, wash, cut in half. Boil unitl tender. Approx. 30-35 min. Peel skin then cut into slices. Beat egg and dredge slices through then coat both sides with panko bread crumbs and a dash of Mrs. Dash. Add 1 tsp coconut oil to pan and ‘fry’ slices on both side until golden. (Kids love this.)

Synthetic nightmare is over

Posted on July 13, 2011 by admin

Upon waking this morning and hearing the birds, right outside my window, I felt peaceful. Breathing in the cleansed, moist mountain air from the great rains, once more I buoyed (is that even a word?). There are no discernible aftershocks from the emotional lava. I did come to the conclusion, that even though I have genuine feelings about this whole cancer trip, yesterday was mostly due to the side effects of the painkiller. I would rather feel the pain than go through another crappy day like yesterday, if I can avoid it. (Makes me wonder how many people take meds that alter their emotions and thinking? Then take more to deal with that.)

I will learn a little more after my Doc’s appointment today. Meanwhile, I will order some items for our hike. I also noticed, how I missed going up to the early morning sun-lit black walls of the canyon. Maybe this weekend.

Mom, Irascible, Continues Recovery, Insists on Hiking

Posted on July 10, 2011 by admin

Like in the Rocky movies, right after he hits either a physical or emotional downturn in mid-movie, Mom is back in training only days after leaving the hospital. Cue the Training Montage, staple (in fact) of all fight movies, from martial arts and boxing films to wrestling, cheerleading, and dancing movies. (My favorite scenes are of Stallone and Carl Weathers sprinting, on the beach).

Mom hasn’t quite figured out how to blog here, so I’m reposting her Facebook posts (at which she has become expert).

Yesterday:

Remember the old joke that the brain was not the most important organ?? It’s been 5 days without BM and I don’t think that’s a correct statement –I KNOW SO!Stopped the drugs all together. I think, one incision opened. I feel like I’ve been ‘filet’. Little buddy came with beautiful flowers as did other friends. Those bird brains have not called about pathology. Letting me wait the whole freakin’ weekend.

One of Mom’s friends told her that if she had an open incision, she should get to the hospital!

Mom:

I’m not paying Emergency room fees on top of those inflated ICU rooms. (You’re a good nurse. You come and see. :-)– I’m going hiking tomorrow. Maybe not Black Canyon but nevertheless…

Three or four days after surgery, Mom is ready to train again. Can you believe it?

Today 6:02a.m. Mountain Time:

Hard rain most of the night. Great smells and sounds except for the huge Thunder. Came out of my bed (injury and all) like a shot and hollered ‘Holy Crap!!’ Dog ran under my bed and whined. If I could’ve, I would’ve followed. Going for a long walk at the park. Bored to tears at home.
It’s been gushing rain for days, in the form of thunderstorms. Mostly at night. Sleeping with the window open, there’s no better smell nor sound.

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