Mom, “bonging and banging”

Another one of Colorado’s beautiful Fall days. Colors are just at the right Peak and I miss the picture posting function. It stopped working when computer crashed due to virus.

Not much difference to report since last posting. I am just trying to breath and eat. I’ve lost more weight since I have so little appetite.  The days run into each other with the same complaint. Pain, nausea, constipation if I take meds, doubling over if I don’t.

The only thing that helps is Marijuana. I still don’t like to smoke it. I don’t like the smell of it, the taste of it so in this sense it’s not enjoyable. BUT, after four puffs, the nausea is gone. A little later, I feel hungry and so I hurry to prepare something that I find interesting enough to eat. It’s a challenge. Portion size has decreased dramatically. Sometimes, I crave ‘junk food’. (Let me state here quickly, that the idea with Baby food did not work. It’s awful. Salt-free, taste-free and just plumb boring. I remember now why babies spit and we unrelentingly scoop up the bits and re-enter it, making plane or car noises. ) I thought I could invent a really good diet for this Diverticulosis but it’s different from person to person.

I decided to ignore my local doc’s advice to forgo Gastroenterologist. I need someone to help me and I need answers. On the last visit he repeated that he thinks it’s the cancer and I should have oral chemo.

Knowing how nauseated I am already this idea is the last thing I want to have reality. Talk about SICK!! There are no Gastroenterologists in this town and so I made an appointment in Grand Junction. Of course, being a new patient, I have to wait until the last of October to get in.

When I wake up, the first thing I check is whether I’m nauseous. The other day, it was really bad and the first thing I did was to go outside and have some marijuana. That stopped the nausea immediately and then I could breath. I experiment with food. Liquid, soft, then more fiber. Doesn’t seem to matter much. It’s really depressing that as a chef I now find food repulsing a lot of the time. When I do manage to eat, it seems to go right through me.

Yesterday, I walked a few blocks to visit the annual Pow-Wow. I sat there and listenend to the strong pounding of the drums and the singing-chanting. Beautiful, colorful regalia of the dancers. Hopefully, today we will see the gorgeous fall colors.

Cameron is getting ready to leave soon and I am torn as I am so used to him being here, especially at night. I know I will miss him terribly but, he has a life and must be able to have some more fun things to do, than listen to me retch.

Missed my grandson’s 9th birthday and the distance seems longer each year. I am delighted by his intelligence, good grades  (looks) and now football. I miss hugging him.