Fleas and Lice

My goodness. I just cannot believe how long this took to hear anything.

Biopsy was 2 weeks ago. Total disaster. I was in LOTS of pain and awful nausea. Scheduling nurse and I had talked 3 different times about taking my MJ vapors, so I wouldn’t vomit. She said she would make a note of it. Next time, when I brought it up because I remembered the ‘circus’ when having a CT scan.

Once there, however and barely registered, I was taken to the Financial Office to ‘see if they can help me.’ Well, NOT on that day! Just before a procedure.

Again, this ‘nurse’ came up to me as I was waiting on the Gurney to admonish me about ‘smoking’. GOSH! NOT again. I just moaned, cried and rocked with pain. I ‘think’ they finally gave me something for nausea. Speaking of nausea: This last bout of ‘bowel problems’ has been responsible for me losing 35 lbs in 5 weeks. This had me so very worried and concerned. I finally put the symptoms in search engine and there was a NEW word. (New for me.) ‘CACHEXIA’. This is the terrible ‘wasting disease’ caused by cancer. Cancer cells feed and suck the protein out of the healthy cells. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WOULD EAT, even if you could, it would not matter. You starve to death. Being so passionate about food and a decent cook, I thought this would be the most cruel end. Many a night I cried with terror of this death and no one told me different. This was an older dated research and I’ve not had time to find more. BUT, other than some Opiates which they say may or may not be effective, what I did see was that this ONE medication for this ‘condition’ has shown good promises: “CANNABIS”. At that time (2006) it was only legal in Europe. Well, was I happy to see that. I’m already on my way. Then, after a break through 2 weeks ago, when I finally had some peace and less pain with bowels. Three days ago, I strted eating ‘NORMAL’ (organic) food. Just small plate but ‘plate’ never the less. My weight had spiraled down to 155 lbs. I’ve gained 5lbs since. I cannot convey the PURE JOY of feeling ‘Hunger’. I’ve also learned, that I have to have 3 different forms of MJ.

First: ‘Tears of Phoenix’ cannabis oil for cancer. One grain of rice-size about 5 times a day. Ingested with applesauce, 1 mini, tiny piece of ‘European butter’ (fat content is higher.) I found the perfect way to get it down without ‘gagging’. I cut off a slice of lemon, suck on it, throw down the ‘cannabis’ and suck on lemon again. THAT way, no taste of MJ.

I’ve also learned, that when you are so very sick, you cannot eat from a plate or ‘chunky food.’ I was still drinking this powerful bone-meat-veggie-broth. In the middle of the painful night, to soothe my poor abdomen, I would get my beanie bag heated and then 1/2 cup of thus HOT broth.

When Cameron was here and we sat down to eat and I couldn’t, he looked at me with such naked fear and tears brimming, that it broke my heart that I can’t do better. But then, if it had been this disease, nothing matters.  I took a photo of my ‘first food’ and posted it on FB. 🙂

Meanwhile, I have also had an appointmenbt with my ‘regular’ doc whom I beseeched to help me get better with the ‘other stuff’. Also asked him, if he would ‘monitor’ me and note changes and improvements.

I guess, we are still doing the CA 125 even though the Diagnosis is in question. When I learned, that even though the Liver has lesions, it is not cancerous. Once I had shared this, I received many ‘congratulatory’ mails and phone calls.

This does NOT mean, I don’t have cancer anymore but only that not now, on the liver. Everythinbg else was still there, last CT scan. The one with the MOST worrying feature, is the tumor on the aorta. No help for that. This is why the Cannabis has to work because THAT could be my death sentence.

I had asked a friend from the medical field to look at a few things. He graciously did so. Since I don’t have a ‘workable’ diagnosis, I asked what it could be? He answered:’ Lice and Fleas!’

WHAT!?  “Some people have a definite cancer (lice) and some people have a definite cancer ( fleas) and some people have LICE AND FLEAS!”  Best medical explanation I ever had. Thanks.

Had to get another batch of cannabis. This one seems to be much improved and so am I. When you consider, that ALL I am taking for the remaining bowel problem, is ONLY 1/2 of an Ibuprofen and ‘maybe’ 1/4 of a Tramadol, then be assured that’s my entire PHARMA. Less and less pharma pills.

Still envisioning going to Germany and Austria. I guess I will know more after next week’s test.

At the hospitas, later, I vomited all over the place. Horrible experience. I made some decisions. I will have all my tests done here, at home. That will reduce the ‘Misery time’ of about 3-4 hours or more. I live only a few blocks from our Hospital. (They are NOT as rude, either.)

I am supposed to have another Biopsy. (Will call my surgeon and ask if he does this as well.) Not sure if I shoud have before or After the trip. (I will interject that if the ONLY option they will offer me is chemo, I probably won’t take it. My bowels and blood clots would not withstand a new toxic assault.

The other day, I felt soo good, I put some ‘Strauss’ on and  I cleaned my fridge, kitchen, changed guestroom, made Pear Strudel, cleaned my bathroom and THEN….. then I danced a waltz. Alone in my kitchen, the pale sun shinig in and tears running down my face for the JOY of just doing this simple, little thing.

“Chemo never felt this good.’  Cannabis can do a lot but it cannot sew. Healing (sewing) damage. Researching new concepts and treatments.

Lost a few ‘friends’. One, because I take Marijuana. (Gateway to Hell) hahaha. The other one, because I won’t play the Political-Hate game. I JUST do NOT care right now. I am trying to save my life and ignorant opinions do not interest me.

Sure wish I could see my grandkids. It’s been over 2 years with Kaleb and 3 years for Brianna. (Dylan is working, still and busy in the high country.)


Camino Not Chemo

This took much longer to do than anticipated. Every turn and test was either lost or Doctor was out of town and left us hanging without results. 

Meanwhile, I had received a new batch of cannabis/hash oil. Three vials to see which one I would respond best to. I took the first syringe and tolerated it well. I noticed that small improvements happened. A wart on my index finger disappeared. Blood clots gone. Whatever type of horrible, painful bowel obstruction that was, it’s nearly gone. Thanks to cannabis. It’s all I take.

Second syringe hash oil was still alright and I started feeling hungry. Great feeling. By now, I have lost nearly 30 lbs. A great downward, scary spiral. Just the mere ‘thought’ of food made me ill.  However, I know what happens once you can’t eat. So, I would cook these great, tasty bone broths and I would sip out of a cup. The heat of the broth felt so nourishing, especially in the middle of the night.

Now, it was time for the third syringe with cannabis. I took the first ‘grain of rice size’ and felt just a momentary ‘burning’ but then it was O.K.  When I woke up around midnight with the same rollercoaster spasms, I took the prepared hash oil, which I had near my bed. Barely had landed in my stomach, when immediately I became so very nauseous and the feeling of hell fire burning me alive in my stomach!! I vomited all over myself, the bed and was so sick I thought I may have to go to the Emergency room. By the time I changed my bed, got into a bath (warm, not hot!) and went back to bed, I was totally exhausted, shaking and crying.

I was very upset with this batch. THEY FORGOT TO BURN THE ALCOHOL OFF!! That is nearly 95% PROOF that hit my stomach full force AND without food.

Lost so much valuable time just trying to figure out what type of strain and oil to use. How much of it to use? With food? or not? No one to ask all these questions. What if people cannot take 1 gramm per day? Will it still perform? Meanwhile we had the new CT scan. Finally had it interpreted. I may have had a ‘mis-diagnosis’. I may NOT have Ovarian cancer, which was treated with a non-working chemo for nearly 1 year. But, instead I have lung and liver cancer. (Oh, still the tumor on the aorta too. It’s been there so long, I tend to forget.) 

At least I can eat. I am starting to ‘think’ about food again. I wonder what people do, that don’t cook ? Or know what to eat? Had friends over yesterday and cooked ‘crackling pork roast, potatoe balls, Sauerkraut and mixed salads. I ate 1 potato ball with sauce. MMM. I guess comfort foods it is.

The CA 125 (which stands for ‘ovarian’ may not be the proper test anymore either. Right back to where I was, nearly 4 years ago. After diagnosis, going to Europe. I still have my frequent flyer mile ticket and am planning going this spring. As I said to my oncologist ‘come hell or high water.’ Want to celebrate my 70th birthday with whatever family I have left, and old school friends.

When I had my INR finger stick to determine how well my blood was running (clots) my local doc was soo amazed how quickly this had healed. I had questioned the nurse to take less of the Warfarin but she argued and insisted. So, for another week I took the strong dose only to measure 8.6 which is WAY too fast.

I am losing energy. This is getting so very long. Friends are still close and caring. Some of my family, not so much. Hurts but ‘it is, what it is’.

So, for now I feel so very much improved and the thought of even having to go onto an ‘Oral chemo’ just really has me in a ‘flight mode’. 

Cameron still having to do all the hard stuff. I can’t even begin to imagine, how it would be or where I’d be, if he were not helping me. So, this ‘crap shoot’ keeps going and we’ll see what comes next.


24 Hours in the life of….


As days passed in a haze of pain and misery, not knowing why I was hurting so bad.. and why the Vapors were not working. Coupled with such debilitating nausea and loss of appetite that I rapidly lost 22 lbs before one month was out. I was trying desperately to slow, halt this slide toward starvation…As a total Foodie and passionate cook, not being able to cook/eat was so sad. Cameron came to help out and take me to the store. It had been days since I’d been out. But only a few minutes in the Grocery store I had to leave very nauseous. Sight and smell of food was ‘disgusting’ to me. I asked to hurry home.

Weak and sick, so sick. So much in pain. PLEASE-DEAR-GOD-MAKE-IT-STOP-PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE…..crying and snot running down the same time. That’s all I have against the pain. If I take morphine, constipation so severe, same pain.

I had been off the cannabis for 3 days and decided to restart with the original  ‘rice size’. I swear, that only 3+ hours later , pain subsided and I could ‘go’. But, at night, still between the hours of 1-4 A.M I was in Painhell!! I noticed, that this pain was like a ‘rollercoaster’ peaks and valleys. I thought: this is NOT the cancer, this is the COLON trying to PUSH and if it is blocked, then the matter pushes against your stomach, which immediately makes you sicker than a dog! Being nauseous from NOT eating is different. Learn to listen to your body. The cycle continues IF there’s no relief. In the pain category,

I would judge this way: 1. Kidney stones, 2.Bowel obstruction, 3. Childbirth. (I’ve had all 3.)  Bowel and Birth pain is about the same with ONE HUGE difference: After labor pains you get a lovely, little baby and then it’s over.  With bowel obstruction, all you may end up with is a bag that doesn’t match anything you have.

As lay helplessly weeping and hiccupping, Cameron came to sit with me, talk and hug me.

Then I learned these small but oh so important improvements.

First: I manage the pain throughout with smaller portion but more times. Right now, I take this times 4, so it covers me DURING the spasm time. Then, I take some ‘vapors’ against the NAUSEA. I’ve cooked a strong beef-bone stock and this is what I divided into 2 batches. I take 1/2 cup of hot stock and the warmth that I feel going down, is priceless. The instant relief one gets is miraculous. So. Now I could start to eat. (Cameron did not inherit any cooking genes.) When I woke in the morning without ANY pain nor NAUSEA, I sank to my knees, just overwhelmed with blessed, heavenly relief.

BRAEKFAST: 1/2 cup stock. 1/8th Melon, a few vapor puffs, wait 10 min then 1/2 sandwich.  ( A few vapor puffs, wait, then LUNCH: 1/8 of Melon, 1/2 bowl of Spaghetti with only a little garlic taste and butter, plus 1 German Hamburger. Later: Tea with 1/2 slice bread.

DINNER: Left over Spaghetti, same way with 1 more hamburger.

I have learned to PUREE my food so it will NOT become a harsh mass. BE kind to your colon and learn to eat ‘different’. Your brain only knows ‘what was’. That’s why we want to ‘sit down with the family and eat a nice dinner.’ Well, of course you can sit down with them BUT you cannot EAT like them. We now have a new way of eating. Small portions, pureed so I can have (organic) meat-protein as I’m not allowed much Vitamin K. (Blood clots from chemo). When my friend Silke took me to CT scan and then out to Lunch, I’d asked to have this great soup ‘pureed’ and they are more than glad to do this.

To fight cancer successfully, you should really RESEARCH well. Go to: www.phoenixtears.ca learn how to make it. http://phoenixtears.ca/videolibrary  THIS IS NOT IN A DISPENSARY. You have to find someone to make it. IF it is NOT high in THC content and it’s not been decarboxylated FULLY— then it is NOT Rick Simpson’s oil (RSO). Suggested is 95-98% of INDICA strain .( SATIVA is what is used more for brain matters such as Epilepsy, Alzheimers.)

The latest link is from a Swiss clinic, which reports marvelous successes. When you click on link, there are little Flags which depict language uses.


Friends have asked, how much do you take? Well, it is different for everybody. That’s why you start so small. But, rule of thumb: If you ‘poop’ like an elephant, it’s too much, if it’s like a Hummingbird, not enough. (That’s one of the ‘side effects. Great, huh? FOR US it is. I have managed to get it nearly right after 3 mos of hit and miss.

Still waiting on CT scan results. SOO many desperate phone calls and messages. SOOO many people in PAIN. SOOO many ignorant people.  Be at least open minded. Research. You may just save your or your child’s life. There has been an Exodus to Colorado by parents who bring their very sick children to have this PLANT medicine. NO one should be denied to help themselves and their child.  I had to make a decision, when Chemo was in-effective, I remembered this quote: When you are on the edge of a cliff and there’s no way out, you better grow wings OR take a LEAP of faith. This is what I did.


48 harrowing hours

I am astounded that I am still here. I am not exaggerating. The whole past months I was continuing with cannabis, I was in so much pain that I was just an exhausted, weeping mess. Every night, between 1:00 and 4:00 A.M I woke up with great abdominal pain. I would try to take 1/2 Ibuprofen, with a half of Tramadol. Might as well spit into the wind. I would put heating on it, I would fix tea, etc. I twist and turn and I could not sleep. Could not figure out why MJ was not helping much.

The next thing that happened was as I was on the couch and my abdomen was extented and I had ‘gained’ 17 lbs starting chemo. I kept telling the nurse, I don’t know why I gain  as I can hardly eat and have to have Marijuana vapors just to get a few bites in. Well, December 29th, the day when this ‘hard knot seemed to ‘snap, break, sharp pull, etc. I nearly blacked out with pain. Some time after I had the urge to use the bathroom. Seemed like an elephant got there first.  I had lost 16 lbs in 2 days. I am holding my ‘old’ weight even though appetite is still a problem.

The way  I am dealing with food is different now. It occured to me that we always expect to sit down and eat our plate. When you’re nauseous that way too much food to look at. So, I wouldn’t eat. BUT you HAVE to eat. Then I had the idea to minimize. I am using my small, tiny prep bowls and would put 3 grapes in one, 2 apple slices in the next, banana, etc. In between, I would use my MJ vapors to produce appetite long enough so I can eat a few bites but I ate throughout the day. I’ve become addicted to Wendy’s Chili. When I can’t cook, that’s is great to have.

The other worrisome change that happened was my mental agility. I felt as if there was a  steel band around my head. Pressure. I would talk to my friends and after every 5 seconds I would ask, ‘what was I talking about? Where am I going with this? It made my friends pay excellent attention as they had to remember.  NAUSEA. NAUSEA. That was my companion all day. I just did not know why. Then came: Depression, anxiety, paranoia, nausea, loss of appetite,  I was getting scared as I felt I am falling into an unknown hole. But by being unable to eat, I was nauseous because I had no food. Terrible catch 22. Since I was already up, I researched Rick Simpson again. I had always used the You Tube video info. I knew that one cannot overdose on Marijuana. You may get really sick, they said, like bad drunk but you will not die as one  would with alcohol. I am the living proof.

There were the ‘Side Effects listed, if you take too much stuff. I had overdosed regularily for 2 months. All of the symptoms that are listed  further up are the ones. My goodness. Trying so hard to save my life- may kill me! But from chemicals NOT MJ. I stopped right away to hydrate and try and flush it out. But I was so nauseous. VERY surprising, I had absolutely no withdrawal or anything like one would with some REAL BAD drug. Not addictive UNLESS you decide. When I’m well, then I’m done stuff!

Doctor exams, all well. They said not to try to diagnose myself. I said, well, I’m sorry but I had NOT HAD the best of luck with proper diagnoses. Besides, that’s what we do. When things are not really helping, you just want to do it to get it done. Just want the pain to stop. Just that tiny bit of ‘mental problem’ the weeping, etc. is so very painful (even if it is not you) that ‘anything’ would do to ram it in there to STOP.

My blood pressure , three hours later when I saw doc, was still 190/95. She said, she could not believe that I did not have a stroke. Also, the horrible, horrid abdomina pain was an “bowel obstruction’, which is fairly common with chemo. (Also, chemo injures the colon. A woman from my support group, died because most of her colon had become thin as paper and then broke when fecal matter moved through. Because I had been regular I did not know.

CA 125 cancer marker numbers were UP but not much. Doc said, what with all that trauma of colon and nausea and a new Lab may be responsible. I am NOT starting another chemo. My colon is trying to repair itself. I did say again, that I did NOT think that this was the ‘Cancer’ . Maintaining that 1/2 of an Ibuprofen would not help managing cancer. Besides, it would also be painful during other hours. (Oh, excuse me. I just ‘diagnosed’ again.  :-)I think it’s healthy LOGIC. I’ll just keep it to myself. Tuesday CT scan to see ‘inside’. At the cancer center I was so manic and wired, that I had to ‘suck’ on my vapors to get rid of feeling. The problem was, that there was too much SATIVA in it. This works on your mental receptors. That’s why they are using it on Alzheimer patients now. INDICA is the one for cancer and many other illnesses. It is usually mixed because Indica seeds are very hard to come by and GOVERNMENT does NOT allow the cultivation. So, we have a ‘lower’ quality. I suppose, Gov wants to make money too.

A friends’ 95 year old mother is on this for Alzheimer’s and doing pretty well. (She still has Alzheimers but not so severe and has bright times.

While I was gone, my sweet friend cleaned the whole house! Vacuumed. Had taken the morning off to give me this gift. THIS IS WHAT WE NEED. Someone to help. When I walked in, I cried. She also came after work to stay with me until my other friends came. They had gone out for their anniversary dinner. (My friend texted if it was possible t come, not knowing. ) I will cook you a 5* menu when I’m better to make it up. Love you guys.

Also had to get back on Warfarin because ‘those numbers’ were too low. 

Trying to get cannabis after my son left for a little time off, turned out to be a very stressful circus. It has become harder and harder for me to get this ‘paste’ down, even with aplesauce. My gag reflex is the best working thing in my body.  I was anxiously awaiting my appointment for blood work to see new results. Also had appointment with my ‘old’ Oncology surgeon who gave a big hug and smile. I had wanted a CT scan to see if the tumors had less or more activity. I mean, I had 2 hours between appointments and I didn’t want to make an extra trip.  Not till Tues.

The night before my appointments, I was not feeling well. But, as usual since there is nothing  else I can do, I used my homespun tricks. Finally, I got up at 1:28 A.M to take a hot bath with epsom salt, which always helps. I ran the water into the tub, added salt and could hardly wait to go into that wonderful warmth. I figured since I’m already here, I might as well shave my legs, now that’s it’s growing agin. Suddenly I was overcome with a nausea so severe that I thought this is BAD..black spots in front of my eyes and I could hardly breath. I propelled myself out over the rim of that high, old tub, as I was afraid of ‘blacking out’ and drowning. There I was. The skin of my whole body was Lobster red. Never experienced anything like it. I looked over to the tub and all I said was, ‘well, that won’t do.’ I crawled to the bedroom because I was shaking uncontrollably and felt like fainting. I need  HELP I thought. I called my good friend Bonnie. There are REALLY friends you can call at that time. She drove right over. She stayed with me until my other friend Berle, came to take me to Grand Junction. As we were sitting there, talking, I remembered suddenly a sentence in a conversation that I had with a nurse friend, right after the blood clot incident. I was telling her about my tub/salt preference. She looked at me funny and said: YOU CAN’T TAKE A HOT BATH WHEN YOU ARE ON CUMADIN! WARFARIN!! I had a severe reaction and nearly had a stroke. That’s what that bright lobster red was. I had taken the pill the evening before.

Some people received wealth, Beauty, talent at the time of their births. I? I received 9 Lives. THANK GOD!

This is for my support group “TEAL Warriors:

Dear friends. I’m using this way to answer requested info.

Marijuana is the plant.  Cannabis as a product, divided into INDICA and SATIVA  (many otherstrains and combinationa.) ONE product dowes not work on everything. It’s like cooking. Let’s sa, recipe calls for Parsley and Dill , they go well together but if you add some curry that’s not good. The right strain for the ‘right’ illness. You need the TEARS of PHOENIX model, not just ‘some oil. I can’t afford Rick Simpson’s oil as it is %4000.00 for 3 mos. Still WAY cheaper than chemo but WE have to pay this. I needed an EXTRA $1200 per month to buy my cannbis. My son thinks, that these prices were before it became legal in a few states.

My son gave me the Link to a Foundation to help financing the treatment. I can’t access the link right now but I will later.

You remember how you start? a small rice-grain size with European butter to take it. The higher fat content will intensify the healing properties. What cannabis does, is to instruct the cancer cells to committ suicide without harming surrounding cells. This could have been the reason that my first month on it, the numbers were lower.

Tears of Phoenix is NOT like cooking OIL. It’s a dark, dense PASTE. You take it x3 a day. Also supplement with Tinctures, Vapors and WEW. (What ever works.)

Victoria, and all of you precious friends try to get this. I cannot promise ‘it’ will do exactly the same with you guys. Everyone is different. The break through from blocked bowels was the prolonged (2.5 mos) use of cannabis. The properties of the LEAF PLANT had worked it’s way through, THANK GOD. After that, the terrible pain was gone, the nausea dissipated. Oh MAN, I can take a deep breath without thinking I’m throwing up. Just the next day, I’ve eaten more than the other 3 days combined.

Research : Rick Simpson but this time NOT on You Tube. There’s a new web site full of GREAT info, testimonials. Go to www.marijuanadoctor.com  If you need more info, CALL> xxxooo


At first, I wanted to wait until I had results from CA 125 blood test. But, meanwhile, things change and my memory is not the best these days. In 2 weeks, I will start my 3rd month on cannabis oil ONLY. People have asked me why I would not take anything else with it. Like, chemo or pills. How would we know WHAT had worked? I need to know that it was the cannabis. It’s vitally important to many people who are waiting to ‘see’ how things turn out with me. Of course, many cancers are different and this treatment is too new but we do know, it works! 

I don’t understand it. Someone has cancer. They do all the conventional treatments. Then, one day, while they are settling into their chemo line and sit there, while Toxins run into the body and they’re trying so very hard to use gentler Visualization of this ‘liquid’; why they would NOT run out and get something far less damaging. I thought, once they see that it works and cancer numbers are coming down, that this would convince them. Well. Knock me down with a feather!! That did not happen. I suppose people will do what they KNOW. No matter that it fries their intestines, damages veines, loss of hair, appetite, sick, sick, sick till the cows come home. And you want to use it again? How many people know that Chemo comes from Mustard gas??

Well, then comes the day that they tell you, you have become “Chemo resistant’. When you have no choice, then you eat dirt if it helps!! Wouldn’t you think that in over 50 years of cancer reserarch and the BILLIONS of dollars for research, they’ve not come up with something better and more humane. Already in 1989 the Cancer Industry made more than 100 MILLION per year from cancer, in the US alone. What does that tell you? Huge business.

Christmas was a quiet affair and sad. Grandkids are too far away, and so is family. No tree this year. No money for frills. It all goes to ‘Cannabis.’ This ‘new’ batch though was MUCH more pleasant to ingest and it only takes applesauce to get it down. The taste for that split second in my mouth, gags me. I would never make a ‘Druggie’.

Here is a BIG shout out of THANKS to the group: German Girls Living In America.’ It is due to their compassionate collection and donations, that have made this possible. Ihr Lieben. I cannot thank you enough. Also, your never wavering Belief and support means the world to me. Other friends have made generous christmas checks and so I could have another month.

Cameron is in New York. A well deserved Respit. I’ll try not to bother him while he is there. (Hope you have LOTS of good times, son.)

To get a refill on cannabis, I called the producer of this oil. (Usually, Cameron does this for me as it takes over an hour to get it to Montrose.) This turned into a circus of frantic messaging. But, finally that nice guy got a ride and DROVE all the way to bring me my medicine. At $550.00 this makes it very expensive and NO Ins pays for this. (NOT even Affordable Care  Act. 🙂 This last about 2 weeks.

I’ve read that to be better equipped to fight cancer, one needs to be ‘comfortable’ with death. Accept it. Only then can you move on. (Seems paradox but, if that’s what it takes?)

So. I’ve written and determine what is to happen with my (meager, few) possessions. I’ve decided, that this spring I will go to the gorgeous Black Canyon, find me a pretty spot and when the time comes, put the Ashes there. Take a photo of the area and breathtaking surrounding of the canyon and its Billion year old rocks. But, of course this little excercise is not what is meant. Taking stock, asking and giving Forgiveness.

In pondering this one, it surprised me how many people are holding on to ‘Stuff’. Someone very dear to me, brought up an incident which happened over 25 years ago! It was nothing earthshattering but obviously bothered enough for so many years. Need to forgive. The heart is big and elastic. It will adapt to any size. Just not too small.

I’ve been doing pretty well for most part. Twice, there was an episode and always at night, that the pain was so excrutiating that I layed on the floor, in fetal position, just howling. I put my feather comforter over my head, so the neighbors wouldn’t hear. But, there was nothing else I could do. This took about 2 VERY long hours before it abated.

I have had big problems with loss of appetite. (One of the 4 symptoms of ovarian cancer.) I look at food and I’m hungry but then it nauseates me. No matter what it is. THIS is what is soo debilitating for cancer patients. They starve to death.  If I did NOT have my MJ Vapors to produce appetite, I could not eat at all. This way, I can eat small amounts and get appetite.  Even though, I’ve lost 15 lbs so far. Cannot and am NOT allowed Dairy as it produces painful inflammation. (Eggs are not dairy.)

Yes, I have Morphine, Tramadol, Oxycodon, etc. I cannot take ANY of it. The side effects are too severe. All I have, is my little 600 mg Ibuprofen. I don’t ‘like’ it either. It damages your liver and I already have a ‘cancer leasion’ there. But, what to do? At some point I said, ‘Dear God. I’m not doing this anymore. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s been (nearly) FOUR years with this bout. I just want the pain to stop! Yes. Cannabis helps and I do take it when I go to bed. But then, it wears off and by the time I get more in, I’m already in pain. (GOSH. This is sooo BORING to talk about. I’m sick of it myself. 🙂

Wishing all of you the VERY best of 2014. Make it YOUR year. Change your lifestyle. Walk a little more. Be kind. Be tolerant. Thank you for sticking with me through this journey.

             HAPPY NEW YEAR.

cancer, marijuana and no GPS

What a month it has been.  I had problems with ingesting the cannabis ‘paste.’ Just the smell or the taste had me gagging. Peanut butter nor Nutella worked. Now I am only having it with applesauce, that way I don’t need to chew, just swallow.

The same ritual applied. I take my ‘paste’ and then I have to sit on the couch. I have all necessary things close by. Remote control, water, meds. Since I don’t function well in this state, cooking and eating have become a challenge. But more so, is not having an appetite. No matter what I look at to eat, I lose all interest. Some foods ‘gag’ me. NOT the food itself, just whatever causes this. (Went to my regular Doc here who then says:’ Well, it’s the cancer’.) We are both very pleased how my leg is doing. I am getting closer to ‘speed walking.’ Friends and my neighbor bring food. Sometimes, they even attempt conversation but most of the time, after 2 words I lose the continuing thread and have to ask constantly:’ What were we talking about?’

Each night, for about two hours I wake up from a sound sleep because of abdominal pains. When I asked my local doc about it, he said: “Well, it’s the cancer.’

Last week, as I put my measured amount on the spoon and looked at the syringe, I noticed how little was left. Cameron had just brought it to me, 2 days prior and here it’s already low. I dashed off a spirited message to call the supplier and tell them they shortened me. He replied right away, ‘Mom, you are taking a lot more than in the first month. That’s why it’s less. ‘ I was a little chagrined at that. Had not thought of the doubling every 4 days. (Well, at least until you take as much as you can. ) The closer time came to have the blood work done, the antsier I got. New Lab person. (Would that interferr with result? )  What if he drew it wrong? And then we wait……

Yesterday, was the appointment. I didn’t take the ‘paste’ so I could drive. Met with my Carrie for Lunch and she went with me to Cancer center.  Finally time to go in and see Oncologist. She came in with her papers, asked how I was doing, etc. Then I said:’ What are my numbers? I’m not saying another word until I know my numbers. ‘

Didn’t I give those to you , yet? She smiled. I shook my head as my heart started to hammer. What would the answer be? What if this stopped working too? What will I do? Should I start give away my worldly goods? Make a will? (Of course I am sure that MJ had a play in that mental conversation. )

IT’S 99 !! she said. OHHH, Oh, YAY, YAY a 99 a 99 a 99!!! We hollered and danced and my nurses teared up. (I suddenly remembered the German song about : ’99 Luftbalons’. The number 9 is the highest number in Numerology. Someone said, this was an excellent number. 🙂

THIS IS HUGE! Imagine. A little plant. Natural. NO side effects. NO trauma. Just a little, woozy feeling. “THE NEW CANNABIS CHEMO”.

My Oncologist said, ‘One more test, next month and if that’s lower too, I’ll change everyone’s treatment option.’

I asked for direction to their MJ Dispensary  and was told that in Grand Junction, the ‘Powers that be’ reneged on their voting MJ in and brought Authorities in and raided the dispensaries. WTH?? Now, these people, who so desperately need it, have to go out of town. (Come to Montrose. We’ll help you.)

Shall we compare?   1 chemo- $5000.00 (Ins pays, medicare pays 80%.  Blood tests, scans, appointments, etc. The effectiveness of chemo, questionable now.  1- month of Cannabis Treatment  $1,200 and it WORKS but no one pays, except me. Wonderful  ‘Tears of Phoenix’. THANK you to Rick Simpson to have fought the fight. I was so worried and stressed to figure out, how I would pay for this. I put a wedding ring set up for sale (for half its worth) and posted it on FB. No one wants to buy it. They all want me to keep it and are outraged that I’d have to resort to this. I told them, it didn’t ‘mean’ anything’.

Enter the ‘German Cavalry’. These women got busy and immediately went about to set up for donations. I cannot tell you ‘Girls’ how very, very grateful I am because in essence, ALL of YOU are saving my life. DANKE.

To my son, my daughter, grandson,  granddaughter, BFF Irene, and all my wonderful, beloved friends “THANK YOU FOR HANGING IN THERE WITH ME.

Meanwhile, getting now ready for Christmas. A friend is coming today and we’re baking Stollen. We will have a wonderful Christmas. In January, next test. Then I’ll go on a Road trip to spread cannabis miracle. 🙂



….the envelope goes to???

How different time seems when you have different things to do. Like, trying to figure out how to get the ‘canabis oil’ past my tastebuds? This is what I have the most problem with, the taste. I have hidden it under Nutella, butter and peanut butter as well as applesauce. But, I always said I would eat dirt if it would help.

Finally the day approached when I was to go and have my CA 125 (cancer blood test marker). I had the whole CBC panel done as well. Just to see how I functioned without chemo.  I tried to stay busy but with taking this ‘oil’ I was un-busy most of the day.

I was having doubt-thoughts too. ‘What if? what if this does not work? what if there’s no other chemo? what if …..

Meanwhile, what with absence from chemo, my body is feeling much relief. My leg is so much better.

Finally Monday was here and my grandson went with me. When I was called into Dr. M’s office, I chatted with her for just a minute and then said: ‘Well?’ What are my numbers?? She smiled and said, ‘I don’t know what happened but it went down 28 points . (I say 30 as no one was quite sure of the previous number.) WOW. Lovely surprise. I twirled just a little down the hallway. NO chemo this month, either. Another month off and keep taking this cannabis oil. Took my grandson to Telluride as he found a job and staying with Cameron. 

Bought some more oil and sure hope the numbers keep tumbeling down.

My main goal is to sit on the couch and not fall off. What I like about it, is, that there’s no ‘Hangover’ feeling. Dreamless, restful sleep.

Gearing up for Thanksgiving. Whether there are just the three of us, or we end up with half the neighborhood for ‘Thanksgiving’, I have LOTS to be thankful about and for, and I am. Very much so. I want to thank ‘YOU” for hanging in there with me. For all of your support, encouragement and prayers as well as the recent generosity with donations. Received a beautiful ‘care package’ from an anominous ‘German Lady’.  THANK YOU>