At first, I wanted to wait until I had results from CA 125 blood test. But, meanwhile, things change and my memory is not the best these days. In 2 weeks, I will start my 3rd month on cannabis oil ONLY. People have asked me why I would not take anything else with it. Like, chemo or pills. How would we know WHAT had worked? I need to know that it was the cannabis. It’s vitally important to many people who are waiting to ‘see’ how things turn out with me. Of course, many cancers are different and this treatment is too new but we do know, it works! 

I don’t understand it. Someone has cancer. They do all the conventional treatments. Then, one day, while they are settling into their chemo line and sit there, while Toxins run into the body and they’re trying so very hard to use gentler Visualization of this ‘liquid’; why they would NOT run out and get something far less damaging. I thought, once they see that it works and cancer numbers are coming down, that this would convince them. Well. Knock me down with a feather!! That did not happen. I suppose people will do what they KNOW. No matter that it fries their intestines, damages veines, loss of hair, appetite, sick, sick, sick till the cows come home. And you want to use it again? How many people know that Chemo comes from Mustard gas??

Well, then comes the day that they tell you, you have become “Chemo resistant’. When you have no choice, then you eat dirt if it helps!! Wouldn’t you think that in over 50 years of cancer reserarch and the BILLIONS of dollars for research, they’ve not come up with something better and more humane. Already in 1989 the Cancer Industry made more than 100 MILLION per year from cancer, in the US alone. What does that tell you? Huge business.

Christmas was a quiet affair and sad. Grandkids are too far away, and so is family. No tree this year. No money for frills. It all goes to ‘Cannabis.’ This ‘new’ batch though was MUCH more pleasant to ingest and it only takes applesauce to get it down. The taste for that split second in my mouth, gags me. I would never make a ‘Druggie’.

Here is a BIG shout out of THANKS to the group: German Girls Living In America.’ It is due to their compassionate collection and donations, that have made this possible. Ihr Lieben. I cannot thank you enough. Also, your never wavering Belief and support means the world to me. Other friends have made generous christmas checks and so I could have another month.

Cameron is in New York. A well deserved Respit. I’ll try not to bother him while he is there. (Hope you have LOTS of good times, son.)

To get a refill on cannabis, I called the producer of this oil. (Usually, Cameron does this for me as it takes over an hour to get it to Montrose.) This turned into a circus of frantic messaging. But, finally that nice guy got a ride and DROVE all the way to bring me my medicine. At $550.00 this makes it very expensive and NO Ins pays for this. (NOT even Affordable Care  Act. 🙂 This last about 2 weeks.

I’ve read that to be better equipped to fight cancer, one needs to be ‘comfortable’ with death. Accept it. Only then can you move on. (Seems paradox but, if that’s what it takes?)

So. I’ve written and determine what is to happen with my (meager, few) possessions. I’ve decided, that this spring I will go to the gorgeous Black Canyon, find me a pretty spot and when the time comes, put the Ashes there. Take a photo of the area and breathtaking surrounding of the canyon and its Billion year old rocks. But, of course this little excercise is not what is meant. Taking stock, asking and giving Forgiveness.

In pondering this one, it surprised me how many people are holding on to ‘Stuff’. Someone very dear to me, brought up an incident which happened over 25 years ago! It was nothing earthshattering but obviously bothered enough for so many years. Need to forgive. The heart is big and elastic. It will adapt to any size. Just not too small.

I’ve been doing pretty well for most part. Twice, there was an episode and always at night, that the pain was so excrutiating that I layed on the floor, in fetal position, just howling. I put my feather comforter over my head, so the neighbors wouldn’t hear. But, there was nothing else I could do. This took about 2 VERY long hours before it abated.

I have had big problems with loss of appetite. (One of the 4 symptoms of ovarian cancer.) I look at food and I’m hungry but then it nauseates me. No matter what it is. THIS is what is soo debilitating for cancer patients. They starve to death.  If I did NOT have my MJ Vapors to produce appetite, I could not eat at all. This way, I can eat small amounts and get appetite.  Even though, I’ve lost 15 lbs so far. Cannot and am NOT allowed Dairy as it produces painful inflammation. (Eggs are not dairy.)

Yes, I have Morphine, Tramadol, Oxycodon, etc. I cannot take ANY of it. The side effects are too severe. All I have, is my little 600 mg Ibuprofen. I don’t ‘like’ it either. It damages your liver and I already have a ‘cancer leasion’ there. But, what to do? At some point I said, ‘Dear God. I’m not doing this anymore. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s been (nearly) FOUR years with this bout. I just want the pain to stop! Yes. Cannabis helps and I do take it when I go to bed. But then, it wears off and by the time I get more in, I’m already in pain. (GOSH. This is sooo BORING to talk about. I’m sick of it myself. 🙂

Wishing all of you the VERY best of 2014. Make it YOUR year. Change your lifestyle. Walk a little more. Be kind. Be tolerant. Thank you for sticking with me through this journey.

             HAPPY NEW YEAR.

cancer, marijuana and no GPS

What a month it has been.  I had problems with ingesting the cannabis ‘paste.’ Just the smell or the taste had me gagging. Peanut butter nor Nutella worked. Now I am only having it with applesauce, that way I don’t need to chew, just swallow.

The same ritual applied. I take my ‘paste’ and then I have to sit on the couch. I have all necessary things close by. Remote control, water, meds. Since I don’t function well in this state, cooking and eating have become a challenge. But more so, is not having an appetite. No matter what I look at to eat, I lose all interest. Some foods ‘gag’ me. NOT the food itself, just whatever causes this. (Went to my regular Doc here who then says:’ Well, it’s the cancer’.) We are both very pleased how my leg is doing. I am getting closer to ‘speed walking.’ Friends and my neighbor bring food. Sometimes, they even attempt conversation but most of the time, after 2 words I lose the continuing thread and have to ask constantly:’ What were we talking about?’

Each night, for about two hours I wake up from a sound sleep because of abdominal pains. When I asked my local doc about it, he said: “Well, it’s the cancer.’

Last week, as I put my measured amount on the spoon and looked at the syringe, I noticed how little was left. Cameron had just brought it to me, 2 days prior and here it’s already low. I dashed off a spirited message to call the supplier and tell them they shortened me. He replied right away, ‘Mom, you are taking a lot more than in the first month. That’s why it’s less. ‘ I was a little chagrined at that. Had not thought of the doubling every 4 days. (Well, at least until you take as much as you can. ) The closer time came to have the blood work done, the antsier I got. New Lab person. (Would that interferr with result? )  What if he drew it wrong? And then we wait……

Yesterday, was the appointment. I didn’t take the ‘paste’ so I could drive. Met with my Carrie for Lunch and she went with me to Cancer center.  Finally time to go in and see Oncologist. She came in with her papers, asked how I was doing, etc. Then I said:’ What are my numbers? I’m not saying another word until I know my numbers. ‘

Didn’t I give those to you , yet? She smiled. I shook my head as my heart started to hammer. What would the answer be? What if this stopped working too? What will I do? Should I start give away my worldly goods? Make a will? (Of course I am sure that MJ had a play in that mental conversation. )

IT’S 99 !! she said. OHHH, Oh, YAY, YAY a 99 a 99 a 99!!! We hollered and danced and my nurses teared up. (I suddenly remembered the German song about : ’99 Luftbalons’. The number 9 is the highest number in Numerology. Someone said, this was an excellent number. 🙂

THIS IS HUGE! Imagine. A little plant. Natural. NO side effects. NO trauma. Just a little, woozy feeling. “THE NEW CANNABIS CHEMO”.

My Oncologist said, ‘One more test, next month and if that’s lower too, I’ll change everyone’s treatment option.’

I asked for direction to their MJ Dispensary  and was told that in Grand Junction, the ‘Powers that be’ reneged on their voting MJ in and brought Authorities in and raided the dispensaries. WTH?? Now, these people, who so desperately need it, have to go out of town. (Come to Montrose. We’ll help you.)

Shall we compare?   1 chemo- $5000.00 (Ins pays, medicare pays 80%.  Blood tests, scans, appointments, etc. The effectiveness of chemo, questionable now.  1- month of Cannabis Treatment  $1,200 and it WORKS but no one pays, except me. Wonderful  ‘Tears of Phoenix’. THANK you to Rick Simpson to have fought the fight. I was so worried and stressed to figure out, how I would pay for this. I put a wedding ring set up for sale (for half its worth) and posted it on FB. No one wants to buy it. They all want me to keep it and are outraged that I’d have to resort to this. I told them, it didn’t ‘mean’ anything’.

Enter the ‘German Cavalry’. These women got busy and immediately went about to set up for donations. I cannot tell you ‘Girls’ how very, very grateful I am because in essence, ALL of YOU are saving my life. DANKE.

To my son, my daughter, grandson,  granddaughter, BFF Irene, and all my wonderful, beloved friends “THANK YOU FOR HANGING IN THERE WITH ME.

Meanwhile, getting now ready for Christmas. A friend is coming today and we’re baking Stollen. We will have a wonderful Christmas. In January, next test. Then I’ll go on a Road trip to spread cannabis miracle. 🙂