Of course, that’s a made up word but since I seem to have nightmares even when I’m awake, perhaps it’s a new word. It seems that the peaceful, calm times are getting shorter. I wake up at odd hours from a night mare. I hear my doctor telling me, ten years ago,  that if the cancer came back, it would be ‘really bad, worse than the first time.’ I wonder why I had to have this information? It lay dormant for that many years only to emerge in the blue hours of the night.

My other doctor telling me, that if that small ‘thing’ on my spine ever became a problem, it would be very diffilcult to operate, if not impossible. So! These old records, echoing their voices from long ago, as it has become my reality. But, at the same time there’s new technology. There are different options and choices. They need to be more careful what they throw out, even when meant well. Goes to show how very powerful words are and not just from the medical side. The impact of careless words. Like wild horses. Once they’re out and gallopping, you can’t call them back.

I also dreamed that I couldn’t find my purse and ran all over the place, looking. When I did find it, everything was taken. Just an empty purse and at the sight of that open, black, gaping hole, I couldn’t breath. The remaining hours of interrupted sleep, stretching before me like a long, bumpy road. The crickets chirped relentlessly but I was grateful for their incessant noise. I know, I really do, that I could call my friends, even at that hour but what would be different? They’d lose sleep, too.

I had my son call my doctor and ask him a lot questions but I did not want to know, at this point in time.  I cling onto the camino like a life saver raft. Running away. How long is that leash?? I would love to unzip my skin and step out of it at those times. Even get away from myself. I am not a whiner, usually. I’ve dealt with a lot of set backs, hard knocks. But all of that was ‘do-able’ I don’t mind so much adversity in life as I’ve become rather good at dealing with things as long as it is ‘DO-ABLE.’

I’ve noticed I’ve also become somewhat short tempered at people’s ‘problems’. They’re having a bad hair day. They imagine their jeans make their butts look big. They broke a perfect nail. Their husband/wife is not listening. The laundry detergent is not making their underwear white. ‘Let’s trade places’. I know. I know. It’s not fair. It’s not their fault I’m saddled with this crap. I promise, this does not last very long. Only the time span of a Hummingbird cough.

I was so moved and touched to tears by my son and daughters’ loving support and willingess to carry some of this burden. My friends rallied around, coming by, spending quality time.

I drove to Grand Junction and visited my ‘adopted’ family. We went to have lunch down town. Lovely street, art work shops and restaurants. (Had salad and a Portabella. This one, on a rosemary-herb roll.) I actually wanted to sell some gold but when he offerd a low price, I kept it. Sentimental value was so much more.

I’ve received a long e-mail from my only niece, who lives in Germany. Very talented, gifted and pretty young woman. Two years ago, she too, had cancer. She’d noticed a little blister-like spot on the underside of her tongue. She thought that this was from a tooth that had an uneven edge. When she finally went to the Dentist, he immediately send her to the hospital for tests. It was positive and already in her lymphnodes.

How I admire her for going through this horrid time. Of all places to get cancer, this is just awful.

She had one of the best micro-reconstructive, surgical teams, who, in an 8 hr operation, ‘cut’ her throat and amputated half of her tongue, then took a piece of flesh out of her upper arm and fashioned a new ‘half’. They followed up with precision radiation (cyberknife?) and she’s alright. Although she can’t ever have the simple joy of ‘licking’ an ice cream cone. All her food had to be pureed and she had to learn to talk all over again. (She’s doing very well on that account too.)

Meanwhile I received a copy of my pathology report and there it is, in black and white. Four impersonal, clinical sentences that are responsible for my interrupted- night sleep. I am not going to write the result here. I’m just a little superstitious! If I do, then it’s like written in marble and forever there. I don’t want to have these thoughts in my brain nor ‘here’. With each time that it is mentioned, it’s as if it’s pounded real some more. And yet…yet, how can I stop thinking?

I spend a lot of time researching. People send me lots of info. It would be a lot easier if I had a sounding board or, someone to bounce these ideas back and forth.

Another Doctor, whom I’ve talked with yesterday, also encouraged me to have surgery and chemo! What IS this, with the cutting?? And the chemo? I wanted to say to him, in a childish, little fit..’ well, you go have it then!’

Well. I don’t have to make a decision, yet. First, the camino. I can’t believe that I am actually going. This was only a fleeting thought, a couple of months ago and here I am preparing. ‘Behave as if it’s going to happen’ and I did. Bought only small, inexpensive items at first. Started hiking different places and longer. Started to research Camino de Santiago more and felt a growing excitement. As if it was calling me, pulling me there like magnet. Even when I thought I had to go by myself and woke up questioning my sanity, the feeling of having to go, persisted.

Now, I’m getting ready to go to the Black Canyon, this huge, gorgeous cathedral, for my Sunday morning walk , solitude and prayers of gratitude. .

When the call came, I wasn’t prepared. I can barely remember what all Doc said except that my cancer markers went up. Not just one or two points.  Although not an exact science, we have relied on this for ten years. Now, I’m not so sure that I can outrun this ‘thing’. Time is not as abundant as a few months ago. My confidence is slipping and fear is raising its ugly head. My emotions have this Yo-Yo effect. Or, up-down like the stockmarket. (It did recover?)  My best friend held me while we cried. I didn’t quite realize how much I had hoped for lower numbers until they were not.

My son said not to worry. We’ll find the best treatment and  money. Friends rally and surround me with theit love and support. Even unknown facebook friends are right there with advice and encouragement.

Although I would be a good canditate for Cyberknife ( I still like the idea of no cutting, no pain best!) It seems that Medicare won’t pay for this treatment. They view this as experimental?? Really? Only ‘traditional radiation’ pay. If I had a Grandma, I’d have to sell her to cover these inflated costs. Should I research other ‘alternative options?’ Which one to pick? Which one is only smoke and mirrors? How can I make a reasonable decision when there’s molasses in my brain?

I have written an e-mail to German University. Not that I believe they’re better but so far, they’ve been cheaper. University of Heidelberg has a state of the art oncology-cyberknife center.

We still hang on to the thread of hope to ‘lose’ this 50 cent size tumor on the camino. I have enough time to do that.

Am I ungrateful in this ‘whining’? At least there are options. Many people don’t even get that much. Well, one thing for sure. I will have plenty of  quality time to think about any and all of this when I walk the camino. There are still miracles out there. I’ve had two, ten years ago, within six month of each other. But, that’s another story.

For those of you who would like to know what this Cyberknife is all about.

rocky mountain cyberknife center