Last week I had my CA 125 (cancer marker) test. I am very relieved that it is ‘the same’. Actually, it went down a couple of points but this is not of huge importance, in this ‘crap shoot’. I was worried, that, perhaps due to this continuous pain, it may be affected.
Each day, I was hoping that ‘whatever’ this may be, would ‘just go away’. It didn’t. At odd hours of the night, when meds had worn off, it came back with a vengeance. I was walking in circles, crying and howling until, finally the morphine kicked in. I simply can’t understand WHAT this could be? My doc here seems to think ‘it is the cancer’. He suggested to call Oncologist, have a laparoscopy and ‘mark the interior with clips, so it would show up when doing radiation’. I took the phone away from my ear and looked at it as if a snake was going to crawl out. Always, always ‘the cancer’. I so want to prove him wrong but not to the point of being stupid.
Even though I do not believe it is the cancer but this also could be based on denial. Right now, I don’t care what the source is, I want it removed. So. Whatever it is I have to do, I will do.
Last Sunday, a couple of friends (and favorite dog ‘Pumpkin’ and Max) set off to the black Canyon to see if I could hike a bit. I wore my camino T-shirt and had my poles and ‘Quasimodo’. Bittersweet, at once so familiar and yet already in the past. It was around 6:30 a.m when we parked the car and started walk to the next look out point, which is nearly 2 miles. After only 10 minutes or so, I could tell how much out of shape I was compared to one year ago. We stopped at the picnic benches and had our breakfast snack. We could smell and see the dark plume of smoke from all the wild fires that are burning in our beautiful state. No humidity, no rain in months.
On the way back there were a couple of times when I thought I need to stop and let my friend get her car. It was getting hot and the incline seemed more steep. But, then I thought, ‘just another few minutes’, just keep going and I did.
I was hurting and tired. My dear friend Bonnie came and helped clean my house. I’ve been having problem bending, mopping, pulling weeds. She didn’t do lengthy speeches of ‘ let me know if I can help you’, she just came. I wonder how many people actually would call and say ‘remember when you said….?’ Actions are needed so much more. If you know someone who is not doing well, words don’t matter a lot. Help with shopping, driving, or just visiting do wonders. (Most of us will not call.)
Laying on the couch, having taken some meds and my VIP Beanie bag, which gets heated in the microwave and feels soo good on my abdomen. I could hear her banging around in the kitchen. It’s an unsettling feeling not being able to DO this myself. Having done pretty much everything ‘myself’ for so many years, it’s tough letting go. But, she’s been steadily by my side for so many years and especially the last cancer-rodeo, years ago. A simple, heart felt Thank you for her.
Sunday night, when I finally could have had a good night’s sleep (with a little ‘tootsie-roll’ marijuana) I woke to some rustling. There it was again, the MOUSE! Ever since my basement flooded, they’d come up into the house. Hiding during the day and dancing around the traps at night. Jumping up or down and it is very un-nerving. I had bought every ‘HUMANE’ trap as I can’t bear to see the squished, little body with bloody tongue sticking out. These contraptions are nice as one can’t see anything. Mouse goes in to try to eat Peanut butter and ‘wham’ it closes. The whole thing get’s discarted. Well, this didn’t work anymore. Then I had enough sleepless night and brought in the BIG guns. ‘d-CON’ toxic and powerful. I had a good night, last night!
Next morning, I took an early walk as it is so hot during the day. Pain. Then I got furious at that too. I thought about ‘why am I waiting until August’?? If it is the cancer, then I just have to submit and have oral chemo. If not, then go in quickly, get these adhesions out and leave. I remembered Dr. G. saying that ‘we shouldn’t open up, worried what we may find’. But, when I had the last surgeries, they didn’t know I had cancer and we opened up the whole abdomen TWICE! I have to take a chance as I cannot live this way. Not at all.
Hopefully, this will all be over with (whichever way it goes) so I can go to Austria this fall. Well, I’m not sure anymore if it will be Austria as Cameron found this gorgeous place in northern Greece. The Valley of the Fog, I think.