Different days

Even though surgery is off the table and I am very relieved not having to got through  all of that, the chemo boogie-man is still hovering close by. But, those fangs are not as sharp and big as they were.

The house is still since Cameron’s departure. Having lived alone for so long, it’s rather different having someone here. I have my old schedule back and my odd time keeping.

Since I nearly had one months before having bloodwork, CT scan, etc. I figured I deserved some time off and perhaps go to a cancer retreat. Get acupuncture, breathing techniques, raw food-juicing, emotional cleansing as well just in case there were unknown remnants. etc. I’d  found a place in California. Sonoma Valley. Burbling brook, bird singing, lovely surroundings and peaceful. I envisioned myself on long hikes through a tall tree forest, doing all the above described things. I’d send an e-mail for more info and the owner called. After hearing some of my story, he was going to lower the rates so I could afford it. I’d also found a reasonable air fare and was so excited and looking forward to this marvelous respite… when…. I had to cancel everything. Sudden onslaught of a sharp, poking pain which nearly had me doubling over. I was hoping it would ‘just go away.’ But days later when it became worse not better I was scared and canceled the ticket, the retreat, not knowing what it was.

I finally had to go and seek medical help . From my back, to my side, to my lower front pelvic region. I would start out with Ibuprofen, then when that did not help at all, called the office to request stronger pain meds. Well, he called in some pills that made my head rummy and dizzy but did nothing for the pain. By Thursday, all day and through the night I thought I’d have to wake Cameron to take me to the Emergency room but then, held off because that would cost several thousand dollars. Friday morning, I called my GYN’s office to try to see him but discovered that they don’t work on that day. So, I called my Dr. They booked me for the afternoon.  Those hours stretched painfully before me but finally I got to go.

Examination, Urin sample, blood test, including CA 125. I had shown doc the written order from my oncologist and asked if I could do these tests out of his office, the end of the month. He agreed but then ordered the very same tests!! I said, we didn’t need those now since I was going to have them the end of April. He answered, ‘well, we’ll just do them again’. This is the same Dr., who, a few weeks ago was trying to save Medicare’s money when Dr, D.  ordered a CA 125. Go figure.

I had a thoughrough examination, including rectal which was a total surprise and produced groans and eye-rolling from me. Well. He didn’t know. Could be Diverticolitis. Painful, chronic attacks. I said ‘what??!’ I wouldn’t have anything I couldn’t spell, I told him. Or, it could be some infection, or if the pain won’t go away, it could be the cancer. He wrote a prescription for infection control. Cameron picked it up and when I saw the one page and a half warning, I was queasy.

I researched Diverticulitis and it stated: ‘Caused by a total ‘American based Diet’ of too much meat, too little fiber, not enough vegetables and chronic constipation.‘ I laughed out loud. Come on!! I’ve been on a Vegan  lifestyle (except for a few times) for 2 years now and with detoxing I had enough roughage to fill Noah’s Arch. Had he not listened at all? I decided, right then and there that this would not be what I had. I was a little un-easy about the cancer since there are some other tumors in there, they just have not lit up the PET.

Then I remembered, when I had the Lithotripsy a couple of years ago, to blast way kidney stones. A couple remained on the bottom of my left kidney, they could not go up and then out. The pain I remembered as being the same excrutiating, writhing thing. I also remembered that the Emergency room Doctor, prescribed Flomax. I had thought that this was a med for males only but he said, no, it would make passing the stones a lot easier. Right he was. So. I searched and found the vial with some left. A little out-dated but I figured this was not Yohgurt. Sure enough by Sunday morning it was gone as sudden as it had appeared. What a total, happy relief.

Next day, I fell over the strung out garden hose and hit my knee and hurt my wrists. Just can’t have a day without something hurting or going on. Tiresome.

I was getting cabin fever as the weather was so unfriendly. High winds started up to 35-40 mph and I couldn’t walk. A friend called to ask if I would drive to Crested Butte with her. Sure, I said. Had not been there for years. That broke up the day.

Now, I try to keep busy until my appointment May 2nd. If tumor is table as well I won’t have to do anything for another 2 month. My life could be measured in 2-months increments. I’m planning a road trip with friends to Santa Fe.

Now it’s Easter Weekend. Inspite of this roller coaster ride, the terror and fears about surgery and chemo. The ever present cancer I feel at peace. The rising of CA 125 has stopped.  This is my gift from God. Also, from my hard work. Happy Easter.

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