Laurel, Carrie and I, left January 10th a little late but still in good time to get to Denver. Only had one pit stop in Silverthorn but boy was it frigid! Icy wind blowing and I was worried about the rest of the way, over snow packed passes, icy patches and ever more urgent warning for Trucks to stop and chain up.

Finally made it and stopped at the Marriott right across the Children’s Hospital and next, University of Denver Hospital. Huge buildings and a whole campus with medical facility for each body part.

We checked in and the room was at a ‘patient discount’. Offered Hot Tub, pool weight room and breakfast. The girls took off to check it all out but I had stayed behind, just to rest and get my thoughts in order. Later, we asked at the front desk, where they would recommend that we go for dinner. She mentioned a name, that I already forgot and the shuttle took us over there. At first, I thought it was a double wide with christmas lights still strung up, by the door.

It was an older, ‘established’ Western theme place. I noticed a large, gilded framed painting on the wall as we waited to be seated. It depicted a white cow, sitting up, short horns with a bibb around its neck and long, pink tongue lolling in anticipation of having a ‘good steak’??

I said to the girls, ‘I have this suspicion that they do not serve anything Vegan nor Vegetarian, here.’  They laughed and agreed. We observed the waitress as she went to another table and pronounced that this was a ‘verbal menu’. Rattled off the choices but not the prices. Well, with our turn, I did order Prime rib, baked potato, salad. Recklessly, I even ordered a Margarita but after 2 sips had enough guilt feelings to pass it to Laurel. Carrie and I shared one order of Prime Rib and she opted for her favorite Spaghetti (they serve it with Prime rib?)

Same waitress came to the table with this huge 3 foot peppermill to sprinkle on the salad but in retrospect, this cutesy idea did nothing to excuse the tough meat (and the mediocre spaghetti.)

My one fling before the long ordeal next day and that’s what I got. As we waited for the shuttle, people came to the foyer and looked at the pictures of past rodeo Queens and prize bulls. A whole row of this one, big black bull. Some guy remarked how the owners got quite a long run with this bull. I said, I think, we had him tonight’. The girls just doubled over with laughter, especially after some other patrons asked if our meat was tough?

I said, we should’ve called Gail and ask her where to go. Beds were great and so I had a good night. Woke up at my usual, early time and tried to be very quiet. Fumbled with the coffee maker, in the dark and then re-searched Dr. D. online. It stated that she has 27 years experience, Board certified and has, a generous 5 star rating.

Visiting the Surgeon and Oncologist

I was getting antsy and got ready to go down for breakfast. The girls just opened their eyes at that point. I went down and had some of the Institution scrambled eggs, a gray sausage patty but then felt really guilty and exchanged it for oatmeal. Promptly at 8:00 A.M. the shuttle took us over to the Cancer building. Huge. First appointment wit Dr. Lisa C. Intergrative Medicine.  Her nurse came to take Vitals and remarked at my high blood pressure (168/95) I assured her, that this was only due to the surroundings and that I had very nice, normal numbers. Then, Doctor came and we went to Consultation room. (Girls came with me.) I thought, that this was akin to Alternate but no, that’s not so. Very nice doctor though. She recommended a ND. (Naturopathic Doctor)- Oncologist, in Denver for me to see but the subsequent events made this not possible. She was thrilled that I was already a a good diet, had all my thought process in order, seemed cheerful (not depressed) definitely not a couch potatoe and upon hearing of our camino adventure, exclaimed what an awesome thing to do. She kept saying, that this ND would absolutely ‘love me’ and what an inspiration I was. My blood pressure went down 30 points. She listened to my medical history and then gave me lots helpful material. i.e. Dieticians, Pharmacy, Supplemental advice and assured me, that all of this was free. Part of their program. She’s also a great advocat for Acupuncture.

Then, it was time to see Dr. D. We all went there and, after seeing this big CANCER CENTER sign, I could feel my blood pressure again. Luckily, not quite as high. All that talking helped. More vitals, weight, height. More forms to fill out. Back to Waiting area. I could see Carrie getting pale. Even a little green around the gills. I told her, she would not have to stay. This was not a nice place to spend some hours. But, she insisted on  staying and even going into the room, once more, to listen to all this history, again.

They went out as I was getting ready for exam. There I sat, in the gown, in this bare room, dangling my feet and wishing I was miles away.  Then, Dr. D. came in and greeted me formally and briskly. After examination, she asked her resident for P.E.T scan disc and OP slides from lung surgery. She responded in the negative, as it was not send from Montrose.

She shook her head and was upset and muttered, that ‘heads would roll’. But, she also told me, that now she had doubts, whether this tumor could be removed surgically. WHAT??

Well, it may be too big, she said and since she could not look at it, she had no idea how to proceed. They (Montrose) would need to get her this information, we also need another P.E.T scan, as the one I’ve had in October was too long ago. She said, it was really a shame that I did not have better info.  Denver would now set up a P.E.T appointment, for middle of the week so I would have time and would have to do all these other tests and maybe, pre-operative, if possible. Coming on a Thursday was not a good idea.

My head spun as I tried to take all of that in. I also felt extremely guilty, stupid and ‘wrong’ to have wanted to try to help myself, in a different manner. Like, this is what you get when you go against medical advice. Good one, Dr. D. More to deal with on my full plate.

I was really shaken at that point. I felt the tumor like a monkey on my back, or more so, in my back. This was fast becoming a nightmare. I had psyched myself up, finally, to have surgery and chemo and now, we don’t even know what to do????

Now, I have to wait, again until all these appointments are in place and i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed. I think, I need something to keep me calm. I need to call some of the people, who offered their guest room, in Denver, so I can stay and get those things done. I may need someone here, to help me do all this. I think, this may be more important than having someone here at chemo.  Heck, I don’t even know what’s up.

I felt very much alone, coming home this early morning. Some animal, probably a Racoon? came dashing across the road and I could’ve clipped it. Not sure. At least there  was no thump, or, worse, thump-thump. But it was enought to start me crying all the way home. The dim headlights being swallowed up by the dark road and dark sky. Right now. I am out of ideas, cheery, little remarks, etc.

I am just scared.

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