Looking at the title of the blog is almost mockery. My lofty illusions. My brave attempt to keep my body safe from harm. Yesterday, I folded. I aquisced. I capitulated. I gave up.

After more research for more natural treatments and found only slammed doors bolted with large money locks, I agreed to see local cancer center oncologist. Came highly recommended by my Dr.

A little before the appointed time, I arrived and my friend Monika, met me there (for support.) When they built this new Cancer Center, I used to drive by on my way to visit a friend. They had a huge thermometer looking board where they tracked money collected to finish this project. I remember thinking, I will NEVER go in there. Funny, isn’t it?

The appointment was for 11:30 A.M. I had to wait one hour. I found that to be rude and of course by that time, the place and its meaning had done their toll on my blood pressure. The nurse took my bloodpressure and fever indicator and pulse. Climbing up like my cancer marker. I wasn’t sure why I needed all that just to get information. But, … rules, you know.

Finally Dr.K. came in with a young lady (I imagine to observe how to handle a stubborn patient who clings to alternate medicine.

He took apart the treatmend possibility of Cyberknife. Too risky and not thorough enough to remove the ‘Squatter’ lymphnode, now a large blob. Only surgery will do this and also look into surrounding area for possible, espcaped smaller, cancerous culprits.

He took away Metronomic chemo, saying this is only for colon cancer. He took away holistic clincis as quackery. He said they used to try the hyperthermo treatment, where they removed the blood ‘to boil out’ the cancer but more died. So, they gave it up. ( My doc had informed him very well of what my ideas had been.)

He was, One of Those.

He alluded, since I’ve waited so long, maybe even Dr. D. (whom I ran away from 19 mos ago) couldn’t remove the tumor by means of serious surgery. That, perhaps radiation was the only way left. This intricate surgery can not be done even in Grand Junction. I must go to Denver and Dr. D. is the best. He said, I needed the BEST.

I’d told him, in the beginning of our talk, about the lifestyle change and its first, promising success. He said that, You don’t do away with cancer just by a diet!’  giving a dismissive wave with his hand. I replied, with all due respect, that indeed I had removed one tumor and even the ‘bad’ one had retreated a bit  and no one was going to take that away. His expression was mildly condescending and I could see the words “Gotcha’ imprinted on his forehead.

I  swallowed the bile that threatened to rise and I added, that even by waiting this long, it was perhaps to get ready for this fight as I am in the best shape I’d been in a long time. I imagined myself standing up and motion to pick up a mantle and say “I am the Warrior Queen,  You may get me now but I will determine the rest.

They will send my medical records to Denver and in a few days I will know the date of my consultation with Dr. D. I wonder, if she’ll say, what took you so long? Or, I knew you’d be back. (Tail between my legs.) Right now, I’m just concentrating on breathing, in-out. So as not allow fear to rule. I don’t want to ponder the particulars of this ‘intricate’ surgery and all the things that ‘could’ go wrong. The ‘could’ word, with which they scared me into submission.

What did I do after this meeting? I went to the Organic food store and bought some more ‘Dessicated raw liver’. Then, I went shopping to buy a few things, luckily on Sale, for my trip to New York. I will do what I see fit as far as my food-lifestyle and supplements are comcerned. Maybe, after chemo, even go to a nice Wellness place, to remove the toxins and poision out of my body. I am going to have a Wellness Sale. (Anyone want a diamond wedding set? A men’s Turquoise silver bracelett? An antique painting with a scene from Russia, in Winter, with a Daka lighted windows?

Friends are gathering, once again, to help with loving support. To stand watch outside OP to pull me through with their Love. My daughter, sending up her own wishes in prayer and support. My son, prepared to come at a moments notice, to mop up vomit.

I will not dismiss God’s Grace in all of this. That, even though He did not accept my offer at the cross, that He’s given me all these months, to experience, to enjoy these marvelous gifts of travel and The Camino.  That I am in the best physical health, otherwise. That was his generous gift to me. I just didn’t see it right away because I was so focused on the THINGY being gone.

I have my moments. Stark fear and shaking terror. I remember. I remember. I think, even Mother Teresa had her moments. Can’t be Pollyana 24/7. Must be allowed to deal with disappointment and change of venue.

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