I’ve received a long e-mail from my only niece, who lives in Germany. Very talented, gifted and pretty young woman. Two years ago, she too, had cancer. She’d noticed a little blister-like spot on the underside of her tongue. She thought that this was from a tooth that had an uneven edge. When she finally went to the Dentist, he immediately send her to the hospital for tests. It was positive and already in her lymphnodes.
How I admire her for going through this horrid time. Of all places to get cancer, this is just awful.
She had one of the best micro-reconstructive, surgical teams, who, in an 8 hr operation, ‘cut’ her throat and amputated half of her tongue, then took a piece of flesh out of her upper arm and fashioned a new ‘half’. They followed up with precision radiation (cyberknife?) and she’s alright. Although she can’t ever have the simple joy of ‘licking’ an ice cream cone. All her food had to be pureed and she had to learn to talk all over again. (She’s doing very well on that account too.)
Meanwhile I received a copy of my pathology report and there it is, in black and white. Four impersonal, clinical sentences that are responsible for my interrupted- night sleep. I am not going to write the result here. I’m just a little superstitious! If I do, then it’s like written in marble and forever there. I don’t want to have these thoughts in my brain nor ‘here’. With each time that it is mentioned, it’s as if it’s pounded real some more. And yet…yet, how can I stop thinking?
I spend a lot of time researching. People send me lots of info. It would be a lot easier if I had a sounding board or, someone to bounce these ideas back and forth.
Another Doctor, whom I’ve talked with yesterday, also encouraged me to have surgery and chemo! What IS this, with the cutting?? And the chemo? I wanted to say to him, in a childish, little fit..’ well, you go have it then!’
Well. I don’t have to make a decision, yet. First, the camino. I can’t believe that I am actually going. This was only a fleeting thought, a couple of months ago and here I am preparing. ‘Behave as if it’s going to happen’ and I did. Bought only small, inexpensive items at first. Started hiking different places and longer. Started to research Camino de Santiago more and felt a growing excitement. As if it was calling me, pulling me there like magnet. Even when I thought I had to go by myself and woke up questioning my sanity, the feeling of having to go, persisted.
Now, I’m getting ready to go to the Black Canyon, this huge, gorgeous cathedral, for my Sunday morning walk , solitude and prayers of gratitude. .